I Am A Placeholder Mom

I Am A Placeholder Mom

In the quietness of my life, where threads of joy and sorrow interweave, I find myself standing at a crossroads of emotions.

My ex-husband, like a relentless tide, has swept away a chunk of the essence of my being—our two children. These precious souls, once towered over most of my daily life, now drift into a realm where I am nothing but a distant echo, a mother transformed into a mere specter in their world.

The rhythm of our lives, once harmonious and familiar, now echoes with the dissonance of estrangement.

Four years have elapsed, four years in which the bond I share with my children has frayed, leaving behind the remnants of a relationship that once thrived on a mother's unconditional love. The normalcy we once knew has dissipated, leaving a void filled with the echoes of memories and unspoken words.

In this altered reality, I am a placeholder, a figure lingering on the periphery of their existence.

The ache of missing them is a constant companion, a shadow that darkens even the brightest days. When pain touched my daughter, a wound was inflicted upon my soul, too.

The maternal instinct to comfort, to heal with a mere embrace, was denied to me, leaving me grappling with a helplessness that gnaws relentlessly at my heart.

Yet, amid this turmoil, I resist succumbing to bitterness.

The urge to despise him, to let anger consume the spaces where love once flourished, tempts me.

But I am more than the hurt he has inflicted. Our marriage, though scarred by abuse and sorrow, gave me the greatest gifts of all—my children. They are the light that emerged from the darkest times, the purest manifestation of love's resilience.

Reflecting upon this journey, I would retread this path, even with the foresight of pain. For in the depths of my being, I know that every tear shed, every moment of anguish endured, is eclipsed by the sheer joy and love that my children bring. They are the epitome of all good and pure in my world, the essence of my being.

The uncertainty of my role in their future is a storm that rages within, yet I remain steadfast in the face of its fury. My love for them is an unwavering flame, burning bright amidst the darkness of doubt.

I am a mother, torn yet whole, silent in my agony yet vocal in my love.

This narrative, though uniquely mine, resonates with the hearts of many. It is a story not uncommon, yet each time it unfolds, it carries with it a unique shade of pain and resilience.

It speaks of the profound agony of separation, of the relentless pursuit of hope in the face of despair.

I have learned to embrace a newfound understanding in the relentless march of time. I refuse to be shackled by hatred. For hating him, I would yield to the darkness that he cast over my life. 

Instead, I choose to rise, to love with tremendous enthusiasm, not just my children but life itself. For in love, there lies the power to transcend pain, to transform it into a force that propels us forward.

As I ponder upon the journey and the road ahead, I realize that while I may have left the physical confines of a shared life with my ex-husband, his shadow lingers.

But I refuse to be his prisoner any longer.

I am a free spirit, unbound by the chains of the past, soaring on the wings of hope and love.

In this heart-rending yet hopeful exploration of life's trials, I find solace in the realization that amidst the bleakness of betrayal, there lies the warm embrace of self-discovery and forgiveness.

This narrative is a testament to my personal odyssey and a beacon of light for those navigating similar turbulent waters.

It is a poetic affirmation that even in our darkest moments, the human spirit is capable of remarkable resilience and boundless love.

With all my love, I say to my children, "I love you both 3000".

Saj