An Honest Essay About Belonging And The importance Of Asking For Help

I feel exhausted.

Emotionally and physically.

I can't tell which one is more. I understand from the amateur research that both contribute and aggravate each other.

I am in the middle of moving houses. Packing, and unpacking, followed by cleaning up, is taking a toll. But above it all, I am dealing with an emotional trauma that is way too fresh at this point. Undoubtedly it is occupying a lot of my mental space.

Life throwing hurdles in front of me is not new. I am proud of myself to be standing, enduring, and dealing with all that comes my way. This time around, I feel worn out. If I can use a sentence to describe how it all feels, it will be this.

"I am put together with a lot of duct tape, they are all past their expiration date, and I am running out of tape to patch up all the pieces that are all around me."

Asking for help has never been a strong suit of mine. I have lived too much life to ask irrelevant questions such as why, how, and what. But I am pushing that limitation of mine now. I am asking for help—professional coaching to a therapist to reach out to friends.

Giving up is not an option as long as I am breathing.

Yet, I am stuck. I can solve complex problems for others and at work. When I get stuck while doing so, I engage others. I reach out to people who know more than I do to get a fresh perspective to change how I view and approach the problem at hand.

This one is different.

Why?

Why is this one different?

Because not everything in life is straightforward or can be looked at with a rational problem-solving approach, matters of heart and soul are nonlinear. Grieving is nonlinear.

What am I missing?

A sense of community?

Too much awareness of why people do what they do, hence I don't get mad at them?

Or is it because I have had way too many that I have been dealing with in life thus far?

I am sitting on my garage floor and writing this as it is the one thing that I know always helps. It has in the past. I am pouring my thoughts onto this screen, hoping that sharing these would help me.

I wonder if this is selfish.

I started writing/blogging about life's hurdles and wonders in public almost a decade ago. It gives me a sense of belonging to the 7.5 billion of us out there. I know in my head that my experiences are not unique. I started writing because I noticed that we had become a culture that is well connected and yet distant. We celebrate the sharing of good and frown upon the sharing of so-called bad. We suffer in silence. But that's when we need each other the most.

I will share a conversation I just had with someone kind—a godsend friend, who I have not met in person yet.

****

Me:

I am having a tough time today Sarah.

Broken heart... N, he didn't give a fuck. In some odd way, I wish I could understand why he did what he did... I feel used.

And I am holding myself together with a bunch of worn-out duct tape.

So much I have endured in life. I am not saying it for pity. I am proud of myself for still standing. But I am exhausted.

Sarah, I need help. But my pride is in my way, and I don't have anyone close to ask for help.

The one person I had... He threw me under the bus.

Sarah:

I am listening Saj.

Do you simply need someone to care, or are there things that you need help with that we could do?

Me:

I honestly don't know….

There is way too much weighing me down.

I don't cry a lot…. Today I called my parents and cried my eyes out. That's as bad as it can get. I have never done that with them.

Things hit me from all sides. Money, rent, job switch, moving, betrayal, heartbreak, kids custody…

I hardly have anyone I can go to after the divorce. The one person I have been going to for the past 2 years was the one who broke my heart. So now, I don't know. I hired professional help. But that can only go so much. I think I am worn out.

Kayak Queen Champion:

Oh sweetie

Me:

I need help in every way, I think…

I need to come up with $1500 by next week. I need to not be physically alone for a few days. I need to cry, which is the hardest thing for me. I need a sense of belonging. I need someone to reassure me that it will be ok. That I am strong enough.

That was not easy to write.

For me.

That was not easy to write to someone. Took me a good 5 minutes to write and hit enter.

Sarah:

I can help you with everyday stuff and give you love and care. Unfortunately, both Peter and I are on a pretty tight budget, and financial help is out of our reach😣💔.

Me:

Financial help is the hardest to ask.

I would be very grateful for the everyday presence itself for a few days…

The pain I am in is way too overwhelming. The only way I know to handle such an intense one is to detach.

But I can't afford to detach from reality now.

Sarah:

Oh honey

Me:

I am afraid that if I don't break it, I may not come back from it

Would Peter and you be ok to be with me for a few days?

I am asking too much. I know that.

At this point, if I could go to India, I would. But I can't.

Sarah:

We can stay with you for a few days dear.

Me:

You are an answer to my prayer for a miracle.

Sarah:

You have made it through all the hard times that have come before. You will make it through this one too; it just doesn't feel like it at this moment.

Me:

I know.

But there is always a breaking point.

And I am afraid this might be it.

Otherwise, I wouldn't be telling you any of this.

Sarah:

I will hold you in my arms. I will believe for you that you are going to be ok.

Me:

Thank you. That's what I need. For once, I need someone to tell me what you told me above till I believe it again.

****

I am a firm believer in knowing one's own strengths and weaknesses. And the ability to recognize when you need to ask for help. It's not easy for people like me to open up, be vulnerable, and ask for help. But that's precisely what we need to do.

If you are reading this, please do share if you have an experience to share.

We, humans, are social creatures. I understand that we go into our self-made isolation chambers after being hurt too many times. I am sharing all this with you, the reader, to plead with you not to do that. Find your tribe, connect with them, build a sense of community. This life is too precious and wonderful to be lost in the woods for long. I am reaching out to the very few I know and hellbent on building my tribe. This is not easy. I do not expect it to be easy. Nothing worthwhile in life is easy.

I hope this post will give someone somewhere hope and courage needed in the face of whatever adversity they face and help them reach out to the community they have for support. If you do not have a community yet, I hope this encourages you to take baby steps towards building one.

A sense of belonging somewhere is much needed, even if you don't realize the importance of that now.

With all the luv I have in my heart,

Saj

Writer, artist, poet, humanist, trying to be a better person today than I was yesterday while sharing extraordinarily ordinary things of life. Boldly!