Misfit - One of The Many of Our Human Race
That is the accurate word that would describe me. Not in a bad way.
I can not get those words out of my mind. I am trying very hard. I know they are words, I now they are not my truth, it is not what was said, it is who.
I am struggling. In a country that I call home, that I love, but have no one to ask for help.
I do know it's caused by my own flaw. Being an introvert with certain hardest principles doesn't get you anywhere when you are sick.
What complicates things is that you are a single mom half the time.
I want to start writing about real life. My life as a single mother who has Bipolar two and anxiety along with PTSD. I have been let go by two gentlemen (its not their fault) because of my mood swings. My doctors and I are trying everything out there.
If you ask me, right now, at this moment, all I want is to be able to take care of my kids, do my job and take care of myself.
I will be candid as I go forward.
Today has been one hell of a day. One of those days where I cant stop tears because I see how much I am failing as a mother to do the simple things for my kids.
I used to write about love. I am still in love with love and life. But I have let go of the dream that I will ever have a companion who will understand all of this.
I have fought various things in life for 32 years. Giving up is the last thing I would do. Knowing myself, I am sure I will keep fighting. I have started educating myself about the children of moms like me. I would like to know how much therapy they will need when they grow up. :).
I smile while tear drops roll down. I don't hide behind mental illness. I am actively fighting it. And praying no one to get it. Being outcasted by friends and family is a burden all of us bear, which makes it hard to recover. Support system is a must for anyone who is sick. But we run from people like me. We get to be psychos.
This time it is slightly different. My will is broken.
All I am left with at this moment is hope for a better tomorrow. I don't expect miracles. I don't expect white knights. I don't expect anything to be easy. I am ready to work as hard as I need to. But once in a while I wonder what it would be like to hear someone say "I got you". I whisper to myself every time "I got you".
Misfit. One of the many misfits of this human race. We are all fighting an uphill battle.