What years of bad relationships do to you...
And how to rise above it.
It was Halloween yesterday. I have one of the individual families where two divorced parents are trying to build a nest for themselves and their young. It is not an easy task as we both thought.
We both are engineers, so we think logically than emotionally first. And we audaciously believe that there is a solution to every problem. It is not necessarily true, we both know that. But we are boldly hopeful.
Coming together was not easy. Two people, two sets of kids, two sets of exes (believe it or not, your exes are part of your family), merging schedules, managing different temperaments, its a lot.
When we got together, we decided that we will commit to each other without the legal formality. Logic is that at any given time, we both know that each is there by his/her choice.
I have insecurities. So many that I can't list all of them here. My husband is practical, "tell me what to do; I will do it gladly" kind. I am on the other hand "you better figure out what's in my mind or I am going to kill you" kind. You see, I think a lot of women are like me. We expect our partners to know things as we do magically. I don't think they are wired that way.
So, we were invited to a neighbors house, kids and I walk in, and there are a lot of people. I get scared of a large crowd. So I am upset, overwhelmed, and panicking. Instead of texting my husband "I need you" I text him "we are a family of three." Then I am not very clear where this party is going. A few minutes later, I make an excuse and come back home.
Kids get out of their costume, disappointed that they didn't get to go trick or treating. Suddenly we hear a commotion outside and knock on the door. The neighbor's plan was to meet and then go trick or treating, which I didn't know. Kids started crying, and I became a deer caught in headlights.
The husband comes out and asks what's going on, and in not so efficient words I tell him what's happening. He takes charge, asks kids to get ready, and asks me to take them. Instead of telling him that I am feeling frozen, I blabber something that is snarky. He gets all of us out and we start going to any house with lights on. 45 minutes later we have two happy kids, a happy and grateful me, and my husband. He saved Halloween for kids.
The point of this long narration is if I had been honest with him if I had told him about my fears, if I had set aside my insecurity and believed his words that "I am here when you need me," none of this would have happened.
My first marriage was arranged marriage. I trusted him and devoted my loyalty to him from day one as it was what I was taught. But then it went wrong. I lost my ability to trust. Then many things happened and I lost trust in people.
The reactions and responses to the majority of events that happen in the lives of people who are gone through bad relationships and trauma are very different. It takes conscious effort to catch it, understand it and rise above it.
Next time you react, respond to something, ask if it was coming from a genuine place or place of fear and hurt. If it is from a place of fear and hurt, then you need to sit down and look deep into it. Make an action plan to work on it so that it doesn't hold power on you.
I am actively working on this, every single day.
Meantime, I have kiddos with happy candy baskets and a full heart that is filled with love because he showed his love and care not just through words, but through actions.