"Did you feel free?"
There was an eagerness in her eyes, a very truthful yearning to know the answer. The question arose as we were talking about divorce and Asian cultures.
I smiled. Paused for a moment. A long sigh later,
"No. I did not feel free. I felt liberated."
Sure, I got some scars and a few broken bones. My bank account has lost its weight, I have lost plenty of people. But I did gain liberation. I found joy in suffering that life offers.
Recently my ex-husband said to me that he thought I was all better now and he was the problem. I felt a sudden shame, and I apologized to him saying "Oh No. I am sorry if that came out way more than it should. In pain, we both have said horrible things to each other. We wanted so desperately to blame the other person. But the truth is, we just were not right for each other. Instead of recognizing that and going forward, we held on a bit too long than we could handle."
My liberation was not from a marriage. It was from the entrapment of my own making. The safety of having a partner in the eyes of society, the safety net of financial uncertainties, the safety and security from not becoming a social outcast.
The hardest part was owning my life. Taking and holding the responsibility for my living. Letting go of wanting the safety that was given while the price was too high and making my safety net. Having faith and confidence in myself and God Almighty.
And, that is why I feel liberated.