Sometimes it takes a storm to clear all that needs to be cleaned out and rebuild.
*** It has been few days since I have been thinking about our ordeal. Everything that had happened and everything that hadn’t happened. As usual, it is brought on by an event and a book I have been reading. It's time to write that letter and let it be.
There is three letter sentence I want to say to you, and that is all this is for. Before I can say that, I want to write this letter.
When I met you, I was at a juncture in life where I had chosen to live a life of honesty and truthfulness to myself. As part of that, I told you everything about me, my life and what I aspire for. Everything in my life was open to you, my mac to my email to my dating profile account. I trusted you.
I accepted your apology and sat patiently to hear your stories when I found out about your dishonesty. You asked me for a second chance and to hear your side of stores. So I did. For my own sanity, now, I am choosing to believe that it had some drop of truths in them. I believe that it takes a strong person to admit their mistakes and try to live a life of honesty. You asked me "Help me be an honest man." And I took that to heart. I loved you. With my heart and with my truth.
What hurt the most was to watch you tear me apart when you chose for your reasons to go with a different life. I had to stand by and watch you use everything I had given you to tear me and someone I care about in my life apart. And that, that was not ok. I was hurt not just by the betrayal of my trust, but the dismissal of truth.
You knew that all you have to do was to ask me to leave and I would have left.With no words, no explanations and no bindings. I would have left you with the life and person you have chosen even though it felt like a betrayal. Instead, the choice to tear me apart was not ok.
You said to me "I was just helping you out with your depression." And that broke my heart. I am far far away from perfect. And I am not proud of the way I responded the first few weeks. And I feel deeply sorry about those weeks.
I wonder how you find it ok to hurt two women and justify those actions by blaming one or both. It is something I will never understand.
I did not deserve the pain that was thrust upon me. I take my responsibility for my part in it. I also believe none of us involved in it deserved the pain we all had to deal with. Not me, not her, not anyone.
Now the good part. You helped me save my life by leaving it. The pain of the whole ordeal was unimaginable. Took me a long time to be able to find my breath and my ground.
When I did find it, I also found courage. Courage to break down the wall that stood between my dream and fear. I found the courage to come out of my shell and stand up and say who I am. I was able to face the labels. I was able to get back up from every fall that followed. I am grateful to you and God for that.
A year and some days later, I sit here wanting to let go and forgive. Least start the process of forgiveness. I want to forgive myself. If I have known early enough, I would have never caused many others so much pain. I would not have enabled anyone to cause so much pain to someone else. I want to forgive myself for that. I accept what had happened, my part in it, and I am starting to forgive myself for it.
And last. I want to forgive you. I told myself many many reasons you could have done all of it. In reality, none of that matters. All I want to do is forgive you so that I can be free. It's a purely selfish act. I know it will be a practice I need to do. That, it will not be easy. I am motivated enough to keep the steady course as I am doing this for myself.
I want to forgive you so that I can be free.
Thank you for the few real moments. Thank you for helping me find myself.
And finally, I forgive you.
She stared at those three letter words. Then she looked around. The train had already covered half of the commute distance. It's full now. Life is thriving all around. A woman is sitting two rows ahead and loudly speaking in a foreign language to a phone. There are ones with headphones. There are all kinds of people sitting around and heading towards different parts of their lives. All holding stories buried inside.
She looked outside, watching the sights move past. Watching the world wake up from the night and slowly beginning the day. Sun is already up in the sky among clouds. Air is cold enough. She smiled. Life is ever so precious. And sometimes it takes a good thunderstorm to appreciate the sunlight and warmth that comes after.
She told herself "Sometimes it takes a storm to clear all that needs to be cleaned out and rebuild."