I have a little bit of story with a piece of lesson at the end today. Lesson is something i learned by trying to teach my son something. He also learned, I think..... never sure how the 'Y' chromosome brain works really!!!!!!
So, since public school started, my love ( My oldest) comes home and some days tells me that someone called me something. Usually some derogatory word. And he started taking things to heart. I know how hard that is as i was bullied in school. So, me feeling that universe has dared to give me the responsibility of raising this human being, felt very responsible to fix his feelings. Next 2-3 months I would try to build him up in many possible ways. But nothing worked.
So, few weeks ago, as he was saying this to me about a kid calling him some name, and my heart breaking as i try to tell him he is sweet and kind... Suddenly i stopped.
Then i asked him what color his shirt is....
He gave me a very confusing look, but not for long as he by now knows that sometimes mom forgets all her nuts and bolts. :) So he hesitantly answer "Blue" And I say with no smile on my face "No, I say its green"
Again, now he has the roll my eyes because mom has lost it look on his face. I ask again "I say its green, is it green ?" He answers with a bit doubt "No, its blue" I say again "But i am saying its green, does it make it green ?" He has a tiny smile on his face now "No, silly mommy, Its blue" And I join him and say... "True, I am being silly. Aren't I? I am calling a blue shirt green thinking it will be green"
Then I casually went on while joining him to play " You know... You are like your shirt. Except you decide who you are. You say what your values and qualities are. So once you do that, anyone calling you anything will be same as me saying your shirt is green" He stopped playing and looked straight into my eyes for a minute. Then he looked at his shirt. Then he said nothing and I said nothing. He went on talking to me about some train stuff, which i glazed over.
Him and I will repeat this exercise many many times since that day. Funny thing is, I started doing this to myself. When I am in doubt, when something I hear hurts and i doubt myself, I go through the same. It makes me feel slightly less uncomfortable.
The last we did this is yesterday, it had trickled over to variations of other sides of his life too. But now, when i start as "Tell me what color is your shirt? " He will start smiling. And he start reciting the questions and answers himself. Its tedious process. In between I had moments when I absolutely didn't want to handle the whining and may have used a "because i said so here and there"
So next time in self-doubt, you all give this a try. Define who you are. You can be whatever whoever you want. Then challenge it and go about it. It may not work all the time, and nothing in life works all the time.
Find your happiness, define what it is. Then be it. Change it when you need to. Try, fail, try again.
That's another story I tell him.... That is for another day. I some days wonder, how the universe ends up sending us these tiny human beings with no manuals, I mean how did it trust us ? Any of us.... I know some great moms who so should have kids. But then, many of us are pretty much blindly doing what we think is best.