We Don't Sleep At 7 PM On Fridays

Today is a Friday.

What I wanted the entire week was solitude.

In that solitude, I could finally rest my heart.

Today, I will sleep at 7 PM.

I went through a breakup, one that I did not want 3 months ago.

I couldn't accept it. Even though I knew the relationship was over months before, I couldn't accept it.

I did everything a crazy ex will do.

Last few days, after my head has been cleared and I am far away from it. I started thinking about why. Why am I so afraid to let it go even at the expense of my own self-respect.

Because I do not value myself.

Yes, I said the truth. I do not value myself.

I do not think there will be a kind, compassionate, sexy as hell man who would be interested in me. I fear I will never have a companion, someone to love and be loved. That was the only reason.

It is not a good reason to let go of your self-respect and who you are.

I made some changes in the last 7 days. If my guy shows up, great. Even if not, I am going to live a full life. Joyful, compassionate, empathetic, crazy, passionate, life.

No more compromises. Do not confuse adjustement to compromise.

I want someone passionate,

About life, about me, about possibilities.

Who can hunt for stolen moments with me.

That's who I want. I have stopped looking.

If the universe brings him to me, great.

If not, I have a life I really intend to live.

My guy will be,

Someone who would be willing to forget time with me.

Someone who would dance with me when the music goes off on the public.

Someone who is not embarrassed by me.

Someone who would not burn when the fire in me gets lit.

Someone who could contain the passion when it arises, instead of making me feel shame about it.

Someone who won’t call me names just because I enjoy physical and emotional intimacy in a way they have not seen.

Someone who would appreciate the little things.

someone who would not hesitate to look at the pain and suffering in this world and do something about it with me.

Someone who won't run when I tell him that I battle depression.

Someone who has a spine, and have the integrity to honor his words.

I love hard,  full-hearted, passionately, and with no limits.

And if it scares whoever, then he is not meant to be with me.

Same time, I am aware of my duties, my responsibilities and I know how to balance them. But most can’t comprehend that. They think it’s either-or. Again, not my person.

Love, I will not close my heart to it. I never have. Love is all there is in this world. We just refuse to see it. I am gonna go on living a full life as I wish, on my terms, as I define.

That's a promise.

Luv

Saj