Him, Me, And Our Story Through My Eyes-Part-2
Him, Me, And Our Story Through My Eyes-Part-2
"If you ask me again, I will go find some woman just for the sake of it."
That was the answer he gave me the day before we lost each other.
I had enough time to grieve. And from my history of how I handle love and loss, I will mourn the loss for a few decades. But the time when irrational thoughts and self-doubts plagued my mind has ended.
Now, I miss the ordinary things we did together. I miss the laughter—even the crankiness.
There were a few weeks when I wanted to talk to him, thinking I wanted closure and could not get it without talking to him. It took me a while to get past that emotional reaction to the painful truth I didn't want to accept. The one my brain knew and heart didn't like to acknowledge.
Sitting here, I wonder what happens to our rational and logical part when we fall in love and lose someone we love? Hindsight, I can not recognize pieces of me who went, honestly, berserk.
Reading a ton, talking to my doctors, a bit of self-reflection, and actively forgiving myself have given me enough to make peace with those wounded pieces of me.
I am a nerd. Part of accepting anything involves understanding why it happened, why I did what I did, why I feel how I feel, and putting myself in others' shoes, knowing I could get this part completely wrong. But it serves the purpose of making some sense of everything that has happened and gives strength to get back up from where I have fallen.
"It was a lot of small things. Your insecurity, not giving space, etc."
That is the only explanation I had gotten from him when I asked why.
I did not tell him that two years of actions contradict those two sentences. At that point, it did not matter. I could see that the woman he searched and studied for hours and found from a three-letter nickname was not the woman standing in front of him and asking that question.
How we met is a story I love, and you will too, but this is not the time to write that. I will, someday.
The woman he met was confident, didn't care much for what anyone thought, and was strong enough to quit a job that stood against her values.
I write journals. Always have. As I revisited my journals from 12-31-19 to the present, I can see that I lost myself. I struggle with a lot of social conventions. We will always communicate if we get on others' nerves. We made a deal when we met. I even told him that when I cross the lines, which I know, I will, as I do not understand hints or some subtleties that our society adheres by, sit me down and tell me so I can improve my behavior.
He mattered to me. I learned recently that when someone or something matters to us, it creates anxiety and a bunch of insecurities that need to be addressed. When it comes to a relationship, any relationship is where you need empathy, compassion, and communication. But most of us throw in the towel at this point as it's easier than addressing the uncomfortable emotions and feelings and doing the hard work to get past them.
I went from who I am to someone I do not recognize. He started distancing, and I tried to fix it instead of letting him be. Instead of understanding how a human mind like his works, I projected my fears onto him, giving him no space to be with the woman he met. So he became someone I do not know.
We always had a deep connection neither of us could explain well. A push and pull connection. We could laugh together, cook together, do crazy stunts together...
Now and then, I will ask him if he is seeing anyone. The sentence from the beginning of this story is what he gave me.
What hurts the most was the broken trust. I could not forgive either of us for a long time for the broken trust. I couldn't help but wonder what could have made him think he couldn't be honest with me. Then again, I did lose who I am in those months and years.
It amazes me how an event that ripped my heart apart helped me put myself together.
I love him and always will. But at this point, I do not know if the man I fell in love with was a well-curated persona or parts of him. What I did fall in love with, and still love, is those parts of him that came out when he was not trying. The parts were humble, vulnerable, and kind yet had the charm to talk down a charging bull.
I want to end this by saying thank you to the universe for putting him in my path. I will be honest and say that the pain is brutal; I'm not too fond of the feeling of emptiness and the tears when memories pop up in my head. I struggle with the grief of the lost future. But, he did make me a better person. Everything we have gone through, everything I am going through because of meeting him, has brought a leap of growth to my life. It has triggered me into the most significant existential crisis thus far. I hope our time together gave him notes on atleast what he doesn't want in a woman.
I have bitter-sweet feelings about our time together. I wonder what it would have been if we both had not been scared to face the music. But that doesn't matter, does it? We make the best of the hand life deals us with.
He taught me that falling in love can happen more than once. That you can meet your soulmate and still can not be together.
That you can come back from anything.
I fell in love with the stranger who wrote the most beautiful email I have ever received within hours of meeting him.
We made some beautiful memories together.
I annoyed and scared him, and he broke my heart.
I will never say "I loved" when it comes to him. I will always love the man I saw, not knowing if he existed in real or not.
As I read what I wrote above, I can not decide if I am being mean or not. I have been thinking for a while if I want to edit it to look a certain way. After much thought, I have decided to leave it as I wrote. It is my side, how it appears in my head. So I am going to be me and leave it as I wrote.
This picture is one of the thousands of ordinary moments we shared. Thank you for bringing the best out of me and the worst, helping me be a better person. I miss you and always will. May you find joy in everyday ordinary things. Goodbye.