Harsh Words And An Old Poem
The poem below is from 2019. It caught my eye as I was scrolling through to write prose about how I got a slap on my face that woke me up with a realization that I fucked up one of my values.
I must thank another woman I have never met or ever will for this. Her words have some truth, and I am grateful for that. And it’s time to own it and get back to my roots.
I woke up with a heavy heart and a headache from yesterday. I am repeating Ms. Angelo’s words.
“Do the best you can until you know better. Then, when you know better, do better.”
This past decade has been bittersweet. I wouldn’t change anything except preferring silence over overreacting to specific triggers.
This thought never lasts long with me. The life we have lived thus far, good, bad, and ugly, made us who we are. It has molded us into what we are. As much as it hurts, I find peace in that.
I stopped making new year’s resolutions back in December 2012. This year I am making one.
“I will not try to explain or make anyone see the view from where I stand after one try.”
As much as how wonderful this life is, it’s hard too. All of us have our perceptions, understandings, distortions, and lies we tell ourselves to get through hard and harsh moments in life. We sometimes need them to take the next step, to hold on. I try my best to walk my talk, but I know that I sometimes fall short. When I realize this, I get back up, deal with the shame and guilt, and beat myself up for a bit. Then I find my way back to try to be better than I was.
Forgiving ourselves involves going through the acceptance phase of shame, guilt, and anger we feel too.
We are alright.
Mistakes and fuck ups are alright.
Get up and try again.
I love you all. Every one of you.
And I am grateful for all of you.
A mere speck of dust.
I am a no-one,
I belong to no one, no world,
I am on borrowed time,
And I see, truly see, the value of a moment when that moment presents itself,
Only to leave,
I have learned never to chase it,
Believe me; I did quite a sum.
If it’s in the plan,
It will go nowhere,
That’s all life asks.
If it’s not,
However hard it must be,
Learn to live with it,
As that’s the only way forward.
I say, my dearest,
Fear me not,
It pains me to hear that,
More than you ever will know.
You asked me,
What do I know about you,
But I don’t believe the persona I see,
I don’t believe it is you.
You do come out every now and then,
And I watch you tame it back down.
Reminding me of my journey.
When the time is right,
A leap will happen,
As I am often wrong.
One thing I know for sure,
We have forgotten who we are,
We have forgotten how to be us.
So my dear, fear me not,
We are continents apart,
Fighting our own daemons.
I have the soul of a wanderer,
And it calls me,
Strongly, every single day.
One day I will be gone,
As far away from all of the noise.
To love and cherish the sea and mountains.
Love is all I have to go forward,
It’s not a front,
It’s not a lie,
It’s multifaceted and divine.
So fear me not.
I am a nobody,
That you met on the market,
We might have bumped a shoulder,
Had a moment of look,
But then, we go opposite ways.
I am a nobody.
So fear me not.