A Decision Taken Against Gut and A Scraped Knee

What kind of topic is that, don't you wonder?

Today is Wednesday. Trash day.

So, I pick up the collected trash and walk the 30 feet concrete paved driveway towards the bin. I remember a few seconds, then when I come to it my knees, and right hand is on fire.

I lie down there for a few minutes as my head has not stopped spinning. There is no one nearby or with me to call. So, I lay there as long as I need, and then get up and examined the damages.

I made a mistake 19 months ago. I trusted a man's promises.

You might wonder 'what the big deal is? Breakups happen'. True. But not betrayal.

I don't do very well with those. The grief comes in stages and waves and comes as different things. This one gave me three months of lost mind, few ER visits, hospital stay, Dizziness, and now a scrapped knee.

The hero of the story told one of my friend's that "She is just brooding over/holding onto some words I said in the past. She needs to move on as I did." True. Again.

All I want is to move on. Not fall and loose consciousness at 5.30 am on my driveway. Stop being physically sick to a point where I can not take care of my kids. Oh, he did give me the icing on cake wisdom "I am not worried about the kids as they have a responsible father."

(No, he is still alive, eye rolling - please imagine)

Now this entire thing is my fault. I went against my gut. The first day I met him was fascinating. I watched him try on one mask after another to get a reaction out of me. It went on for two hours. I just listened, observed, and nodded. One thing did capture my full attention. The bravery and love story of his parents. And the sentence "I am that father's son."

Next time, if your gut is telling you to run, please run. Else you might be the one ending up on a driveway wondering how long you have to stare at the sky before you can get up.

Ps: Oh, they call this playing victim. I call it telling the truth. I take full responsibility for what happened to me. Don't fall for the harsh words once people you think are on your side turn against you. The human tendency, mostly, is to attack and get you down and have that small moment of satisfaction at any cost. We tend to lose our humanity during those moments. You and I included. While at it, be mindful about it too. Because being on the receiving side pretty much sucks.

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Sajatha Jaffer  |  sajatha.jaffer@gmail.com

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