Have you ever felt a fear so severe that it paralyzed you from fear itself?
It has a beauty in it. A beauty of discovering a strength hidden deep inside you.
To be honest, I would never choose to feel that fear intentionally. So the first few times, it feels as if this is it. That you will never recover. But then, that strength kicks in. I don't know what to call it. To me, for me, it had always come from love. For a while it was love towards life. Then love towards my child got added. Then love towards my children. Then love towards honor and hope.
Somewhere along the way, along with overcoming fear I have learned to look forward to the lessons too.
It never gets easier. And it hurts. But, it will not consume you as much. And you will find a sense of self who is strong come out of it every time.
It has been an interesting day.... 😂
So, let me tell you all a true story. I was raised by one atheist and one closeted religious parents. My house stood between two Hindu temples. I got kicked out of masjid ( religious school for muslims, like Sunday bible school).
But I was fascinated by the concept of god. So, I did what any normal 9 year old will do. I build my own god. I mean, I literally build a sculpture of god... which looking back now I think looked like a frog with no head.... this is before age of internet. So word of mouth and observation and religious teachings are the only base I have. And books of course.
I do not remember where I got the idea from, but somehow I thought, if I build one, and take good care of it, god will come into it and I get to ask him everything I want to ask. I even offered it the milk mom gave to drink, well she still doesn't know... 😂. I was very disappointed that after months of sole devoted trying, god never showed up. I hid "my vessel for god" really well in the land behind my house. Then one day, I shared with the priest in one of the temples about my god. And how it is not working. 😊. He smiled and said, "your god is already inside you. He doesn't need another vessel. Your heart is good enough for him. "
Now, the beauty of this story.... the message .... In India, in 1990, a Muslim girl child, frequently visited a Hindu temple.
She was kicked out of Islamic religious school, but when asked with genuine curiosity, was given the most beautiful answer she could ever receive, from a simple Hindu priest.... Who, instead of making it a religious war, offered her wisdom of words. Told her that a heart is the only vessel god needs to be with you.
I was too young to understand his words then. But the taste of the sweet which is usually served right after he performs the ritual. And his words stayed inside my heart. Till I finally be old enough to understand.
God is still mystery to me. I prefer to call it source energy of universe. I think of mother when I think of God. Loving, yet tough. Always there, teaching you, loving you, doing things for you. Sometimes yo do not understand why she says no, but always she has your best interest in her heart.
To me God is Mother of us all. Kind, compassionate, ever present, loving, caring, tough, and mysterious. Now I am not arrogant enough to say that I even understand the concept of God fully. But this, this definition works for me. I imagine being born in her womb, passed on to my earthly mothers from there.
What I do want to leave is this. That man could have made it all go to hell for me. I would have been punished by everyone if he had chosen that path. Instead, he saw a little girl with a big question that she doesn't even understand. He showed me compassion and kindness and humanity. He showed me God's presence. He showed me what it really means to have faith in God.