A Place Of Peace And Hope - Rock Bottom
It used to be the standard answer in any Ms. xx Competition "World peace"
Yes, I would like to have it. I would like war to stop. I would like kids to be not detained. I would like children to be able to get a basic education.
But today, I will settle for a place of peace inside me. That place from where hope arises abundantly and radiates into everything I touch.
I would settle for kind words, honorable actions, and meaningful gestures.
I am fortunate in a lot of ways. I am blessed with so many wonderful people in my life. When I was a child, even through my teens, I used to collect runaway lost beads out of anywhere I find them. All shapes, colors, broken, exceptionally beautiful. I collected them and kept them in a jar in which ink for fountain pen used to come. They were my treasures. Now, I collect people. No, don't worry, I am not going to stuff you all into jars.
I went through a very intense period of time a few years back. I was ashamed to ask for help then. I felt guilty because I was doing something that was not socially acceptable. I have grown from that naive woman to this insane one.
As I break the mold little by little I grew without even knowing. Don't be mistaken. I still have craziness inside me, the same who can't stop tearing up looking up at the sky and see the white puffy clouds, the same who would sit on dart rail and hear strangers stories for an hour, the same one who would show up at your door if you really need someone at any hour. The world calls it craziness and I call it being passionately in love with life.
A month today. Life was kind enough to give me another shock treatment a month ago. I think I needed it. I had forgotten who I am. I had forgotten the journey once I had begun. But it was not easy. It still is not. For about 3 weeks, I did not recognize the person I saw in the mirror. I did not recognize who was speaking. There were bits and pieces of glimpses. I held onto those as much as I could. I keep reminding myself whenever I could, that grief, pain is a sign that I have loved and cared wholeheartedly. I still can not believe some of the things I have written and said. I do hope God go easy on me for those.
Then I hit the rock bottom. There is always a rock bottom. You can not bounce back from mid-air. You have to hit the floor, you have to hurt, break a bone or two. Then, then you are ready to bounce back up.
This time, I called in my cavalry. And they came. I was not ashamed to ask for help. I was not ashamed to tell them the shameful things I have said. They did not coddle me. They did what needs to be done. You see why I say I am extremely blessed!!!!!
The switch flipped. Having bipolar depression is no child's play. Everyone has an opinion about it.
I hear you.
I am saying as a person who lives it day in and day out.
Theory and practice are always a bit different. If they were the same we wouldn't have to put our doctors through rigorous training, would we?
Studies are going on. Stigma still there. But since you can not see it much it is not as widely considered as a real illness. This is any mental illness.
You learn to live with it. You learn the triggers and avoid them. You learn to find the right doctors and support system. There is life with mental illness. A thriving life. But it is not for everyone. It is not just me who suffers. My family does too. They pay a heavy price. And not everyone is cut out to handle it.
Rock bottom helped me to bounce and start going upwards. It still is hard considering it has only been a few days.
I made a painting.
I made a vlog.
Now I am sitting here and writing this.
Yes, I am climbing back up.
I have found that place of peace and hope while I was on the rock bottom.
I felt no anger. No fear. No judgment. All I felt was peace and hope.
Yes, I will settle for a place of peace and hope inside myself. I will settle for cramped space and a tiny studio. I will settle for being able to breathe again. I will settle for those giggles I am eagerly waiting for.
No, I do not have any advice today. I am holding onto my peaceful happy pace. There is a bit of distance I need to cover. Maybe after.
ps: Btw, now I collect rocks and pine corns...