Do you all remember the movie Stepmom?
First time I saw it I was very young and thought "No way, you can not love a child that did not come from you."
I was wrong.
When I was going through years of struggle to have a child, I was ready to have any child to raise. I went from that first thought to "I can love and cherish anyone" in few years. I still had doubts on the practical side of it.
Then I met him. A wonderful, beautiful, and unique child who would crash land into my heart and make me angry because I found out that I love him as much as I love the two I gave birth to.
Yes, I felt angry. I felt many emotions.
When my two (I feel guilty to write this because right now when I say my kids, I am referring to three) were babies, they would follow me around everywhere. They would wait outside bathroom impatiently. If you are a parent you know how that goes.
Here I am years later, in the middle of the same. So I felt cornered and frustrated. Yesterday I was thinking quite a bit about why I feel it. Because it is exactly what I felt when the other two were young. It is what I feel during the bonding time with anyone.
I have not put a pic of him and me together. There are countless reasons for it. But none of that matters after I see tears in his eyes yesterday.
He points at a picture of my other two from 3 years ago and asked "Where was I?"
He took me by surprise. But I understood what he was asking. So I gave him an answer he could digest. As he progresses with his questions, I saw the tiny drops of tears filling his eyes.
"What will happen if you leave x and y?"
I was taken aback by that question.
I answered, "I would never leave them."
He asked me again. Then again.
Then I got the real question asking me. I called him close, hugged him, and said: "No matter what I am not leaving you."
I kept repeating the same. And that was it. It is what he wanted to hear.
He makes me promise that I pick him up, that I drop him. Children don't understand the egoistic complex, unnecessary, world of us adults. Their life is simple. Someone to love, value and cherish them.
Being a stepmom is hard. It's a tricky place. You are constantly evaluating what you can and can not do. You do not want to piss off the other parents, you still want to give the child the best of everything. I now feel being a wicked stepmom is much easier.
I am a mom of three now. And my heart aches when I see the tears in his eyes. This is new to me. All of it. I am doing great at what I do, stumble, fall, and get back up. I am hoping to look back at this day a year from now as the day I finally embraced that I am a mother of three spirited and tenacious and unique kids.