Battles We Fight In Private And Yet Very Public
A battle fought very public and yet privately!
I was in the shower, and I had this lingering strands of words stringing together in my heart - that's where I write first- without me being even aware of it. When a strand had formed itself, I can't deny its existence. Then suddenly I thought of the message I read first thing in the morning. My cousin, an old friend, writing her prayers for me, not asking what is going on. I felt sudden gratitude to her and others who had never asked what is going on, as most know.
Not burdening me with demanding explanations and bombarding me with advice, she wrote.....
" You are in my prayers"......
Suddenly I felt the wetness in my eyes, even while in the shower. I felt a rush of warmth and love in my heart for her and everyone else I know. The ones who are there and ones who are not. For universe.
I am a writer. No, I am calling myself that. No one has given that title to me. I am grabbing it. As I feel at heart, I am a writer.
Words are something I love to read and write, for my pleasure. So I am one.
I am fighting a very public battle with the veil of privacy. I come from a community and culture where we don't even speak how much we love each other. The nonexistence is the norm. We hold onto centuries customs just because......
No one knows why they try to find explanations as to why. But if you pay attention, you will see most are bs, and it's not something the person itself believes in his or her heart. It's something we are used to.
Sorry to disappoint all, in case you don't see it yet, I don't fit in, even though - even now- more than anything I want to fit in, so that life is easier, I accept my uniqueness..... or my rebellion.
What I write has been called as emotional outbursts, vulnerability, expression of weakness....
But I call myself strong and brave...why?
Because I am scared out of my freaking mind all the freaking time.....
And yet, fear doesn't stop me; it keeps me moving.......
Peter Gabriel sings beautifully about this phenomenon....
To me, I am strong because I embrace my weakness, I embrace my vulnerability, and I showcase it very public to get over my fear.
I do the very exact thing I know I am afraid of the most. It's a way of life I have chosen.
To me. Life is beautiful, and I don't want to waste any moment of it. Good, bad, hard, soft, any kind........
I have been fighting a battle most despise in my community; it's not against anyone, there is no villain, there are only poor pawns of characters who are lost and hurt.
But it's a battle against the will of one's own.
I pushed it years, to not to fight it.
But, just because you close your eyes doesn't mean world stop existing. I try to fight the battle privately.
But, stories after stories circulated. And I have been called a witch and more......
I am outspoken, passionate ( ahem - I am told its called loud in layman terms :D). I believe in love, I believe in standing up for beliefs. I train my kids to question; I ask why- a lot, I am someone you want on your side and not on opposite side ( yes people, I have a darkness inside me ).
I have been on a journey to know myself...
I know this will end..And I will feel the relief of having done what I needed to do. Meanwhile, I am hanging on to what I can to ride the storm out.
I have no ill will against anyone. I pray for the entire universe to be okay. But I also, call black, as black and white, as white- as I see and feel.
Why does it in public?
Because I am tired of fighting it and feeling so horrible about it.
We, Indian women, are strong......
The ones you see, hide behind dirty sarees and hauling pots of water in slum pictures; you have no idea how much strength they hide behind those faces.
We are tough at heart, soft and malleable inside because we care.
It may not be what you expect....
But pushed beyond a limit, we are Kali. I think Hindu mythology depicted women to the last cell perfectly.
She is the Maa (mother), and She is Kali when she needs to be.
We are kind, loving, caring and ruthless if pushed right.
But that last part comes only when our young's lives are at stake.
We don't care for our lives, we are not scared of much, but we are terrified of hurting people who love us, people who depend on us, whether its parents, friends, partners, kids or a community......
This is the fear most use to turn us into puppets.
They know what will keep us in line that has been drawn.
What they don't know is that we choose to stay in that line.
We choose to stand where we often stand.
But if you push us beyond the point of no return, we will gather strength from mother nature, from everything that scares us, and we will rise.
I love my parents. I love my kid's father. I love my kids. I love my friends. I love my kid's school bus driver. I love strangers. And I love myself........
But no love is equal to the love and duty I feel as a Mother.
If anyone asks me who I am now, I say, I am a mom first........ It's the first thing I think on waking up and the last thing I think before going to bed.
For next 18 more years, I will be a mom first. But it is only a part of me. I am still a woman with all other parts of existence.
If you hear stories, if you hear things, don't ask me. Draw your own conclusions.
I know God is with me and universe is with me. And I know, I will fall many times. But I am looking forward to getting up each time, picking up some precious stones otherwise I would never look down for.
Dedicated to all who fight the battles of life in private and yet very much in public......
Luv
saj
