When Words Flow Out Of My Heart And Make Me Love Life More
"I picked the best dress out of the closet. It was a slightly greenish blue one, with mesh on the shoulders. It had elastic on its waist. And this one was special. It cost twenty-four dollar, and he had bought it for me. The one and only things he had ever bought for me. This dress has been hanging in the back of my closet for a long time, waiting for him to call. And finally, time has come, and I had put on the dress. I felt beautiful already, and yet I wrote my eyes, dark with a tint of blue. I put on a slight smear of lip gloss. And I waited for him, with a heart that was beating with so much excitement.
He came and stood in front of me. I smiled, with my face, my lips and my heart. He looked sternly into my eye eyes and reached out with his right hand and reached through my rib cage and grabbed my heart. I gasped for a moment; I gasped for air with the sharp pain going all around through my body. He squeezed it hard and with all his strength. My lips parted in pain, and I looked into his eyes and saw nothing but the cold truth.
He squeezed my heart in his palm, Tears started flowing down my cheeks, I was screaming in pain, But the voice was stuck in my throat. I looked at him, My tears formed lines on cheeks, Tinted with bluish dark shade. I was surprised, but I smiled as he kept the act going. I smiled watching his eyes, As cold as ice.
Here stands a man who I loved very deeply and thought I knew who he was. Then today, I find out who really he is. And it is hard. Love is hard. "
The words above, I dedicate to a man who had gone through my life.
You see, I am not new to labels, or lies or pain or suffering. A while ago I made a decision to live authentically. This involved being brave enough to start telling truths. It had not been very easy, as I am assigned many many labels. I had fallen so many times that I had lost count. I still fall, but I do get back up as I love life and I love my kids.
I have only loved twice in my life. Once in 1999. And once in 2016. This book is about the second time. I am still in the middle of it all. And I decided to write it to heal myself. You see, I am not someone who falls in love easily or falls out of love easily. It takes no time at all for me to fall in love if the person is right is what I found out last year. But again, I also found out that people exist in this world who are exceptional in giving you what you need at that moment.
I am grateful for him, even though I have gone through the worst heartbreak, I could imagine. Something good has come out of it. I never thought I could love again, but him being come and gone, I have learned that love does happen. On top of that, the whole experience broke me down so completely that I had to rebuild who I am today. The rebuilding made me stronger in many ways that I have decided to start a journey of healing. I have begun writing again, as it had always been my soulmate.
I had found out that I feel a love so deep that he can do anything and I still hold the same love for him. The logical part of me understands that this is insane, as he does not deserve such love, does he? But he does, everyone deserves to be loved genuinely. I have asked God so many times, "why did you do this to me?". Today, he had given me an answer. "To make me stronger." So that I can tell stories, not just about a broken heart, but about life, about experiences and love.
This man told me that I am not kind, or empathetic. He had shaken me to the core and broke me in so many different ways. I have cried for him, begged him, and he had used every bit of empathy left in me. Today, I call it the last day of this torture. I expect it to be hard to be able to get along with this pain. Months have not made much difference. But again, I have had a flicker of positive thoughts about it all. This has ended today, I have seen his truth.
But, truth be told, I am not mad at all. I feel sadness, anger about what had happened, and grief. But I am not mad at anyone. I am disappointed to the lengths people go to use others. But the world is that way, and it is the time that I accept that and try to do what I do best. Tell my stories, and maybe it may help someone someday.
I am building my memoir online, one essay at a time. It is part of my journey of healing. And I have no advice for anyone, but stories to share, and lessons that I learned.
I have made a promise to the universe that I will write my story. And that is exactly what I am going to do. Write my story with my heart and full authenticity.
Luv Saj
