Few days and a black string


The day started as a dare, and then it went on to become the beginning one of the most intense and passionate periods of my lifetime. I did not see it coming, neither did he. I also did not see the pain coming, but I believe he knew. He knew that I will be hurt somewhere along the line. I do not know if he loved me enough to think how much it would break me. I had thought about it during many nights when I cried myself to sleep.

Urge to write is no longer passive for me. I do not write, I bleed. I bleed from every openness I have in my heart, that I opened to love him. I have to pause as I write to breath, its heavy inside my chest. Every breath is painful.

I have seen your soul, yet I do not know who you are and where the man I love went.

I accepted you and loved you, moment by moment and bit by bit, giving everything I had.

And you know that you owe me nothing, I gave all of me freely to you.

You asked me once, when i was in one of my dark days of sadness and disappointment, how I could forget the soulful moments we spent together. Well, now I know and I am saying to you, I couldn't.

My heart was hungry, and I saw nothing but you.

The worst was the feeling of unwantedness and despise from you. I would have walked away, I did walk away giving you what you wanted. But the knowledge you left for me, that I was nothing more than expression of pity for you was unbearable. I hope you know that I never wanted to stay after that day, because there was no reason left for it. Love is worth fighting for, every moment of it, but I was the only one who was fighting for it. It took me a while to see that. It took me a while to accept that I was worthy of being fought for and you chose not to. I know your reasons, I have no questions. I started walking when I realized that what I gave you was way more than anything you ever held for me.

And yet here I am, counting down the days. I am dreading the day it lands on. I don't know what it will take me to get through it.

I was lost in the happy moments so much that sad came with the hard cold truth of who I might be. I felt broken, stripped right off of my skin alive and it hurt. It hurt so bad that I couldn't even make a noise. But then I am learning that its rebirth too, as someone very different.

I learned that strength is what I gained from the chaos and madness you have left me in. I ache today, as I saw in my mind's clock that date, I ache with no boundaries. I am not going to let it consume me or ignore it. I am going to accept it as it is. A dull throbbing ache and a heart full of gratitude for the few moments of happiness you have left for me as memories. Everything was different with you, and I am hoping I will find that one person who will love me as I am. I am hoping I will find him who would sit in silence with me when all I could do is weep without tears.

Time heals things and I am counting my days. Learning to let you go was the hardest thing I have ever done.


#Memoir

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Sajatha Jaffer  |  sajatha.jaffer@gmail.com

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