Yes, you, my love.
You are and will be my greatest love and biggest mistake of this lifetime.
Our courtship began strangely. Unfortunately, I saw that as a good thing as I like weird out of the box things.
It started with a question:
"I don't know you well... I don't know you at all... However, I have read enough of what you wrote... I have felt you... I have definitely felt you.
I also know that physicality is immaterial... And love is deeper.
It takes a moment of togetherness with your self, your core, your true self to commit and surrender. You can take a lifetime to analyze someone; you will always have doubt. Your mind and ego will always question. It will never be quiet.
If you would like to take a chance, to surrender, without knowing much about me, but with belief and listening to the voice within."
I answered, yes.
Contrary to what my logic and rational knew, I said yes.
There started a whirlwind of a relationship that was doomed to fail, from hindsight. When we felt connected, it was the greatest thing in this world. We finished each other's sentences; we laughed, we danced, we sat and had a drink at dusk listening to beautiful melodious Hindi songs.
We were ridiculously in love, till he was not.
I knew about a few months in that he wants to be set free. But I became selfish. I couldn't let him go. I held onto him tighter, and as my grip got tighter, he felt the need to be free more.
The funny thing about fights, they start when you are no longer connected to your partner. The subject of your fight is irrelevant. You are only saying one thing.
"I feel disconnected from you. Hear me. Hear me say that I am feeling disconnected from you."
In our case, we both are broken people. Scared and scarred from past baggage along with trust issues. I do not doubt in my mind that we both love each other much. Well, at least about myself. Him, I am no longer sure.
We couldn't recognize the cry to connect from each other. Our past baggage took control, and we judged each other by it. We drifted farther and did not try to hold on because we both had different priorities in life.
It took me a long time to let go. I went so deep into grief that I can only describe it as insanity. I did not recognize myself. My doctors keep trying to pull me out of the darkness, so did some friends. What I learned about grief is that you can not rush it. It is as unique as you and me.
Time is the only thing that will heal the grief. It will lessen with time. And you will start to find the strength to live again. But, let me also tell you, you will never be the same.
The love and grief forever change you.
Not necessarily a bad thing. Any learning and growth in this life is not a bad thing.
As I walk away from it, months after, I have learned to surrender to life. Let it take me wherever it wants to take me. Also, I learned to trust my gut. Give it the attention and value it deserves.
It was his birthday. My gift to him was removing myself from his life. This writeup is my last step to do that. As I sat down to write, I reflected on our time together. He had mentioned to me that I robbed him of his joy and vitality. And I wish I had let him go without being selfish. I would like him to be happy. That's what you want when you love someone, isn't it?
My friends have been trying to tell me that the moment he showed he doesn't want me, I should return the same feeling. But, I have never walked someone else's path. I am who I am. Love is my religion. Love and life are what I am in love with.
As I conclude, I asked my heart. How do you feel?
This is what I got:
I feel ok.
I now know what it means to love someone truly.
I now know what grief tastes like.
I now know what insanity means.
I now know that I can survive the loss of my greatest love.
I now know that he was my greatest love and biggest mistake.
I am ok.
There it is. It is how my heart feels. I do not know what life has in store for me when it comes to love and companionship. I am no longer thinking about it. I surrender myself. Truly and completely. Let life bring me what it wants me to do.
If you have a story like this, which I am sure everyone has whether they say or not, kudos to you for getting up and walking again. Kudos to you for opening your heart up and loving. And may life bring you love more magnificent than the greatest.
ps: This is my goodbye as publicly as I could because I had made our coming together too a spectacle.