There is melodious Hindi music playing softly. It's impossible to not hear certain songs with your heart. And it takes your breath away. For a moment, you get lost in the words, the background music, bringing those memories that you try very hard to keep down.
I always feel blessed are the ones who can never really love. Because once you love it never goes away. You can hide it. Somewhere so deep that only such songs can bring it out. I am in one of those moments.
A year ago I wrote a blog post about second chances in life. I announced to the entire world with so much pride that 'true love' exists. And the universe will bring it to you. That was fourteen months ago. When the relationship, whatever the name it had, ended, I felt shame. I felt guilty. I felt angry. So I took the posts I have written about him and me down. I hid them.
The funny thing is, there is a book out there with its last chapter as life's second chances. I had quite an experience in the last few days. I wondered why would I feel shame, why would I feel guilty, why would I hide something I believe was true at that moment?
I wanted to live an authentic life. I have lost a lot to define and then dare to live it. Being truthful to myself and others without hurting anyone else is what I want to live. So why should I be ashamed of my past? I am not. I no longer am.
Throughout the year, I have written about us. I am no longer hiding any of those. They were truths of those moments. I want them out there to make a point too. The truth of the moment. I am yet to learn how to accept that. But it is what life is all about. You get a moment, then next, then next. Each has its own existence and value.
I have been struggling. For the past few months I have been struggling to deal with the grief. When it began, it began as the one true love. He was the one I was going to live and die with.
I asked my doctor.
"Why can't I be like others? I have evidence. A, B, C, I keep putting them one by one in front of him. "Knowing all this, logically and rationally, why can't I stop feeling this grief?"
He looked at me and said "Love and grief is a right brain thing, not a left brain thing. You truly loved him. You are grieving all those possibilities, not just a loss. The plans, the dreams, the loss of little things. Grief is one of the hardest emotions to tackle. Time will help. Actively engaging yourself in other things will help."
I walked out of his office with a heavy heart, but with some relief too. I kept thinking on my drive back, there must be some lesson in there somewhere. Maybe I am not ready to see it yet.
My therapist gave me conditions. Only if I follow those conditions he will help me overcome this hurdle. They are very valid conditions and he does care about my well being genuine. I trust him. So when he asked, I said yes. I will follow the conditions. I am not sure if this breaks it, but I had to write this.
I write about life. This is life. Real-life. Not Disney land. Real human life with tears and sweat and pain and suffering. When we are angry we say things. The only goal at that point is to hurt the other person. It doesn't matter if that person is the one person who loves us. I did too. So did he. So did others.
The opposite of love is not hatred. It's apathy. He was able to get there sooner. And I - yes, I am admitting it - feel stuck and feel it's not fair.
I wish him all the best things in this world. I wish him to achieve everything he set out to do. Even though he felt I was his soul mate initially I was nowhere near what he wanted. That is ok. We all have the right to be happy. We have the right to choose what makes us happy.
Back to me. Haven't yall been reading? This is about me. No. This is about all of us. When I wrote second chances, when I proudly announced to us, I truly in my heart believed it. No doubts, no second guesses, I believed it was the right thing. I can not go back and change those moments. I don't want to either. They were beautiful. Breathtakingly beautiful.
For the first time in my life, I loved someone with all of me. I was blessed to be able to do that. Love is messy, it's not linear, its right brain-based. So is grief. The only way to the other side is through the wilderness ( I borrowed the term from Brene Brown). The first step is accepting it. And here I am openly accepting it.
It will not be easy. Nothing worthwhile in this life is easy. I do not know if there are any more chances in life for me. I am slowly making peace with that too.
You see, now I see it. It was for me to let go of what I wanted to control, life. It was for me to let life be and live in each and every moment as it is. It was for me to accept that most times you just have to accept, not resist.
It was for me to see that this world has all kinds of people. We all look at the same life and interpret it differently. We all define what life means to us differently. None of us are wrong. For me, it was important for life to show me the dark side of this world. I believe it is preparing me for what I am supposed to do, which I have no concrete idea about. But I can see the patterns.
I often wonder in the last 3 months, if the dad and son was my test to see if I can unconditionally love someone other than my flesh.
Love is hard. It is very hard because you know that there is a chance of failure. The grief that comes with it is soul-crushing. If you ask me, knowing all this will I do it again?
Yes, I would.
Love is hard, also love is hard to come by. I have always been in love with life and love.
After a long three months, I feel lighter today. I feel genuine joy today. The grief is still there, like a mammoth sitting on my chest. Reminding myself that nothing is random bits of help. And if it was not for this love, I would not have gotten the fire ignited me this week.
Ever wonder when you see someone where their strength comes from? Logically and rationally they should not be where they are. But you see them and you wonder, how? Faith.
It comes from being faithful in small things.
Life is about small moments collected together.
By having faith, you find your strength, you find your spirit, and you find yourself.