For the last story about the story.
My therapist reminded me three times today about his deal with me. I hear him. Loud and clear.
I have been postponing this because I wanted closure. But sometimes closure is not given by another but by self.
On February of 2018, I wrote a blog post as well as announced to this entire world about a relationship I was embarking on. Naive me was so sure that this is the person I was going to live, love, and die with. It's here.
Seventeen months later, I sit here with all the humility in this world to write another post.
I will not live, love, and die with him. He had moved onto the next person. In between, we bought a home, built a family, had visited extended family, had fights, had family try to make us up, and finally one walked out, and another went crazy.
It began with a usual message on a dating site. I only responded because of the hook I recognized in the message. Then I receive this three-page long reply. Now my curiosity was sky-high. No one writes that much on the spur of the moment. It had to have been already prepared and handy. It must have been sent to more than one person. Now, I needed to engage the person out of curiosity. So I did.
I was surprised to find out that he was complimentary to many of my traits. We started with messages that were hours apart to finally end up chatting all day and night on new years eve.
In the middle of new years eve, he asked me if I was willing to take a chance with him without knowing much, a leap of faith, trusting our guts and intellect and the never give up attitude. I said, yes.
There was fantastic chemistry between us in chat. We met three days later, and we both found very different people than what we expected.
I found someone stubborn and thought he knew better than everyone else. He found someone quiet and observant than the chirpy talkative person.
I watched him for hours. He was sitting on the other side of my brown sofa, shifting every few minutes. His tone, the way he formed sentences, the topics, all changed except when he talked about his dad. Then I saw him. The real him. He went onto talk about the love story - it is beautiful and authentic - of his parents. I saw a tear or two too. Now that, that was a man I could connect with.
The next time he asked for a date, I said no. He asked me if I do not mind, to tell him why. I told him. I am looking for someone real. Not personas. Someone who can stand the test of times, which will happen with me. He also mentioned the night before that he gets easily bored, and it will be my responsibility to keep him entertained. I had wanted a partner. Give and take.
One of my biggest struggles is that I am a giver. I give till I break. Then there is nothing left, for me or anyone. I have worked continuously two years to get to that point where I was aware of this. Also, I had gotten out of a narcissistic marriage very recently.
I thanked him for his time. I told him the truth that I found him fascinating. He asked me to go one more date. Somewhere along those few hours, he held my hand and said something to me which I do not want to repeat as he had taken it back saying it was just something he had said.
Before I know it, I announced to this entire world. We are in a house, with kids, with pieces of furniture, and a garden.
I met his mom and sister and his elders, which I thought as something he wanted me to do. But after this February he had told me that I forced him to do it all.
The test of times, which I knew from my life before showed up. And... I became a girl with issues. I am a fighter. If there is an ounce of energy or life in me, I fight to stand up. A time came when I did not. I needed him.
It always starts as something else. I watched helplessly the distance growing — the quietness of eating alone. We fought for mundane things. If wanted, we could have fixed it all. But, a relationship is between two people. You can not do 200% where it has to be 100% from two people. I got a familiar pattern. Nothing I did was right. I had been there before.
Family tried. But the mind was made up. I was too different, too joyless, lived in a world of unhappiness, we are very different people, we did not travel, and finally, I was a block to spiritual and personal growth.
I told him that I am setting him free. But the day after I said that I lost my mind. I could not handle the pain of losing him.
Love is a feeling. His mom said that to me a thousand times.
As I slowly learn to get up and walk again, I realized love is not just a feeling. Love is the courage to stand by the person through good and bad. Love is a commitment that doesn't get replaced when times get tough. Love is fighting through the testing times and being a shoulder to the other. Love is finding a way through the lost woods back to your lover. Love is not just a feeling.
Now, I understand why it is said that love is not for the faint of heart.
I lost my mind and myself for a while. I paid a very high price for that too. But I have no regrets. I stand here, now, knowing that I can love someone beyond myself. I can commit to someone through anything and everything. Above all, I learned that I could love a child who did not come from my womb.
Months later, I am here, writing this which marks the end of it all. I have been postponing this for a while. I did not want to let go.
I did not want to let go of someone who let me go the moment rough times hit. What surprised me most is the response of people I love. I to-date do not know how to unlove someone. That is alright. It changes.
One day I hope to hold a hand that will mean what he says.
A hand that is as strong as mine.
Someone who doesn't look at me as the girl with issues.
Instead, see someone who makes the most of the moments life gives her as she doesn't get all the moments granted to her.
Someone who would stand tall while I fight the fight for myself and others.
Dec-27-2017 to Mar-2-2019