Mind frozen on its tracks, watching life goes by, feeling an immense amount of guilt and shame, hoping-dreaming something on the other side might be better than this.
They say build a support system.
You can't build a support system when there is no one who can not understand it. And you don't wish this on anyone. My prayer is that "God please, don't let anyone feel trapped inside as I feel."
It gets impersonal. It has to. For people around you to go on living their life without you dragging them down, it has to get impersonal. Isn't it?
"I'm sure you will be better soon. Hopefully, you will hear from the doctor today. I have a busy day..."
I also hope I can pull myself out of this. It gets tiring and exhausting. Doing the same over and over and over.
Days and weeks like this I wish my brain was not that different.
I have to remind myself, it's the same brain that understands another's pain. The same brain can write so openly and love so fiercely.
Kate Spade, Robin Williams, Edwin Armstrong, Alan Turing, Ernest Hemingway, so many. So many from all sides of life. They all lost their lives to the pain.
Part of me becomes curious.
When does someone decide to give up? When our brains deceive us nonstop or when we realize we have exhausted all the support we could have reached out for and we have become nothing but a drain and life around us has decided to move on without us.
When we have exhausted every bit of energy from our spirit, when we have reached a point where life moves around you as you no longer exist, then, then there is no other place to go but leave.
To another day of fighting to survive.