• Saj

Story of A Book That was Born And Went Back to Drawing Board


It started with a message to a group asking if anyone know an editor.

From there it grew into a shitty first draft, many many edits, laid out a copy, final manuscript, the cover was picked, font and style were picked, copy edited, proofread, and the final check was done.

It went to press. Copies were made. Some came to my address and some went to Ingram. I was over the moon happy. It was two years of my blood and sweat and help of so many others. As I held her in my hand I felt divine joy.

It was not the monetary gain or fame or awards that made me want to do this daring act when I was flat out broke (I still am). It was to spread hope and healing as much as I can. It was to say that we can keep getting up and do this, live this life. That we have a choice to fight.

My initial draft was finished in May of 2017. Edits were happening and we were about to wrap it up in 2018 February. Something magical, at least I believed it was, and my editor thought it would be a perfect ending for the book.

So I wrote the chapter on my way to India on a plane. We did the edits and that became the last chapter of the book. When I wrote that I had no doubt in my mind. I believed with my whole heart that this will be the man I am going to spend the rest of my life with.

I am born and raised in India. No matter how much I accept the western culture, the divine nature of promises is accepted as commitments that are not broken. But I should have known better as I myself was a divorced woman. I divorced because I had no choice and after years of trying.

So, as I put the mehndi, draped the saree, I felt nervous. I felt nervous thinking if it is the right decision as it was not a trial.

I came out of the presence of God happy, cheerful, full of joy.

It did not even make it to the first anniversary.

" Since our coming together my personal growth has gone back. I thought it all will go a different way. My love for you has faded away. You are not who I thought you are. Since I came with you I have gone back on my personal growth, things I wanted to do, I am not where I wanted to be. I have a path I want to go and I thought all this will go a different way. I truly loved you, but my love has faded away in the last few months and has not come back.

I do want to live alone. I'm sorry for your pain. But I don't want to live a life of compromise. Last year was the worst year of my life. I struggled to be with you every day"

I told him I understand. I didn't understand. But I love this man and if it is hurting him to be with me, I should set him free.

It is not easy. The part of you who wants to let go has control sometimes. Sometimes the other one who wants to hold on has.

Love cannot be demanded, asked for, coerced, requested. It has to flow. It has to flow through every cell of your body for the person.

Back to the book.

When I wrote the last chapter in I was madly in love with this man. I called him my husband and wore a wedding band. That chapter is about finding love. Not giving up fooling for it.

This book is my heart and my soul. Other than the fantasy story in it, everything is real, everything holds value, everything stands true. A book will go on living.

To me, love is patience, compassion, tolerance, the twinkle in the eye. a hug after a tiring day. Love is everyday little things that you consciously make that become unconscious actions. Love is a choice. We do not discard our children because they did not fit into what we expected, do we?

There is no insurance in love. It takes awareness to keep it alive. I did not say it. Sadhguru did.

The last chapter of the book as its author doesn't hold true. Yes, I spent countless hours and so much money on this. Truth matters to me at this age. Honor and integrity matter to me. It is not just a book for me. It is the first of many. But she is special. I can not leave her stranded.

I will edit it, make a few more changes and relaunch it in a few months.

Thank you for supporting me through the last 2 years. And the ones who read it. It will be back in couple of months. These months my hands are full with lots of healing, myself and my loved ones.


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Saj

#owningyourtruth #memoir #book #story

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Sajatha Jaffer  |  sajatha.jaffer@gmail.com

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