A little over a year ago I was ecstatic, over the moon joyous. I was on top of the world. I am that way. People who know me know that I seldom have a middle ground. Either I am passionately chasing a butterfly or I am weeping for some strangers story on a train.
I wrote an article in that time frame. It is called second chances, and it's here: Second chances. There was a picture which I am taking out to protect the privacy of my loved one.
I have had my fair share of adversities in life, just like all of you. So when something wonderful happened, I did not go with my gut. I went with relief. None of us wants to be alone in this world. I had been alone for a long time, being strong, bold, standing up, fighting for what I believe. I still do. But I like the idea of a companion to that fight.
When you are looking for a partner, I have learned a very hard way, that you need to look past the butterflies in your stomach. They lie to you. You need to look deeper into the heart and soul of the person to see if he matches the puzzle piece you are. We both did not. And we paid the price.
What is more interesting is my confession here. I am writing it so that I can own it and change it. I went crazy. I was crazy in love with this man. So much that I forgot who I am, I got lost in him. I lost myself. So when I heard,
"The answer is NO. I do not want to give you a life long commitment. Since we came together I have gone back in my personal growth, things I want to do. My path has changed and I am not where I want to be. I have a path and I thought all of this will go a different way. I truly loved you. But my love has faded away. All my energy has been spent on keeping us together. So NO. There is nothing that you can say that will change my mind. I have decided that this is what I want."
So when I heard that I lost my mind. In one side I am proud of him. He is standing up for what he believes in. He is not compromising. He knows what he wants and not afraid to go for it. That's my tribe. The other side, the woman in me, who love and not want to let go lost her senses.
I would watch myself say things, write things, do things that are not me. But I did them anyway. Grief was so strong that I felt I would have that scene from Alien happening to me, where that thing comes out of the stomach except mine is the chest.
I went from a sane, calm and collected person (ok, I have my eccentricities) to a weird, crazy, creepy grief-driven person. And that is not who I am, and that is not okay with me. Writing helps me own things and move past them. So this is in a way my healing journey.
End of relationship is hard. Especially if you have invested your heart and soul completely into it. Some can move easily, they can block out and focus. People like me get lost in grief. The loss of dreams, the loss of plans that were made together, the loss of everyday ordinary moments.
It takes a while for us. But we do have hope.
Find people who will tell you your bull shit and the moment you realize you are acting nuts, take action to stop.
Take a moment.
Look behind you. What was!
Look in front of you. What could have been!
Then look at the present. What is!
Life is still there. It is still beautiful.
Forgive yourself for the things you have said and done. Every day till it becomes your new normal.
Accept that it is going to hurt, it is going to suck, but you will be okay.
My day came yesterday. I have not quite figured out the walking part. I am at a pause. But I know I will be okay.
So will you.
ps: This is the last painting I did in the house we live together. It is a present to the house. It represents that black, white, and all the colors do co-exist within us,