…….And Read till the end or Skip to the end.
This post was originally written in Dec 20 or 2017. But it has come into relevancy this week. Not for other people, but for me. I had forgotten who I am. I had let someone else's definition get inside my head and drive me. It drove me insane.
For the love of God I can not figure out why we do this. Why do we keep repeating the same mistakes? This cycle needs to be broken.
I was my worst enemy for days now. I have called myself names, accused me of things, doubted every cell of me, I have punished me. Enough is enough.
Someone else's words do not define you or me. Give it an ear, because none of us are perfect. There may be so many things we can learn and improve. But please do not berate yourself based on someone else's perception of you. As I read a 3 sentence message yesterday I suddenly thought of this article I wrote. I remembered what I had let myself forget. I am not flawless. There are so many good points that I need to take and implement. But I also a not completely someone else's description of me.
I was/am going through a time in my life where I need myself. I need to be there for myself cheering. Not pulling down and stomping on my heart.
Be your biggest supporter during the times things are not going well. No one is coming to rescue you. You are your own white knight.
Below is the old post.
Ok. It is morning and I have better things to do. But you know there is a chronic side effect of being a writer. Sometimes, often times, you see the world through a different lens. It is fun till it is not.
It is hard to meet new people when this is part of who you are because your natural curiosity to know some of the special characters that accidentally bump into you can get a bit, how do I say without sounding like a... forget it, a bit too much.
This is a story of one of such characters. So far the best I have encountered that I am going to use him as the base of a character for my next book.
Rejection is hard. Especially if we want something and we don't get it, it is hard to accept it. We are all in some place or other in this spectrum.
This one, this one belongs to that category where I am too tempted to hand him over few of the books I read.
Backstory - I met this person twice a year ago. Collectively for about 2 hours. The end of the second hour I decided this crazy is not my kind of crazy and better avoid it. There were long, long text messages that accompanied for a while. And I am not very good at telling people to back off, politely of course.
So, I took a step back and prayed that the person gets the message. There was a pause, and I went on with my life. Sometime later I get few more messages, this time it was about creativity and food. It made me smile because we use hooks.
Whether we know or not know, we use hooks to lure people in. If you are good enough, you will know what you are doing. If you ever felt uncomfortable and yet not able to stop talking to someone, know that you are being caught in a hook. This is where people use something you are passionate about and before you know it you are doing or saying things while thinking 'what the heck is going on' in your head.
The messages came and went, and it was interesting to watch a person's personality unfold in front of me through his words. Every few sentences, he would tell me about how smart he is. How busy he is, and how 'Indian women' are full of preconceived notions. :).
I asked him one question from the beginning that he always avoided.
Qs is "What do you do?"
He does a lot of things, and he is super busy. But he finds it ok to tell a person he met for 2 hours altogether about who that person is, how the person is wrong and psychology of how the person is crazy.
This is a hook. Or was a hook for me till about two years ago. Now I don't explain myself as I believe that the moment you need to defend and explain is the moment the person needs to stay out of your circle. I did try to tell him what I think once or twice back when he threw all of this psychology stuff at me.
Fast forward, a few days ago I get a bunch of messages repeating same things. Then yesterday I get messages asking for my address. And offering his address first if it makes me feel better. So I just blocked him because the person is not getting the messages and I don't want anymore.
The guy switches the medium of the message. And there we go with the insanity of messages. Again, I write to him, "Please stop messaging me, I am not interested."
Oh, God. I should have just blocked him. Which I did. But turns out, if you block someone on your phone, your mac still gets the messages. So, today I woke up to an insane amount of messages that made me laugh and then write this.
Read for yourself.
I love it when people “try to turn a statement into a fake smile.”
seriously, man, you are pretty transparent
and I am not not ever was trying to “get with you” or “be attractive to you.”
again I sense that from you
too much thinking
Over analysis. I do hope your writing gets back on track
It’s funny, but there is no hook. See what I mean by over-analysis?
and it very much appears to me as if you are projecting yourself on me
if anybody has jumped to conclusions, it has not been me
it’s no doubt about it been you
I’m not the type to jump quickly. I like to know more and learn more about somebody
But when it comes to meeting up or hanging out.... I don’t hesitate
that’s where you arent getting it
there are patterns only because you are choosing to see ones that do not exist
again..., over analysis
but some people do that (we are all guilty of it at times) .... and some people do the project themselves thing onto others quite a lot
it’s a bad habit
and that’s what I notice on your end that occurred
and all I can say is I am sorry you are doing that
people create their own stories about others in their head
Last thing I will say is... I absolutely don’t apologize for liking to have a good time. I did perceive from before that I felt that you seemed very manic and stressed when we first met
but I figured it was because you were getting over a relationship which is normal
I knew you would get over it and I overlooked it because of our common creativity. But I guess now I’m wondering why I even spent the time, to begin with. You have not been particularly a nice person
but I don’t wish you ill and want the best for your creative endeavors
so take care."
My favorite part is the last bit where he diagnoses me manic and stressed. And that I am not a nice person.
I am not a nice person. I am an ordinary human being with all kinds of good and bad in me. I am stressed, and I am a writer, we are all slightly crazy. Shhhhh, don't tell anyone.
So the point is, he got one thing right. We write stories, narratives inside our heads. Not just about others, the majority of it is about ourselves.
We are our worst critic.
Let me come to the real reason I am writing this. The messages that I woke up to today, they are much better than the things I tell myself sometimes. When I read them today, all I was thinking was gratitude. Because reading these messages from someone else made me think about how I treat myself to the moments I should be cheering for myself. It became a reminder to be my supporter at the times of things not going very well.
I was aware of this self-narratives, and I put a reminder for myself on the wall a while ago. But I had forgotten to look at it for a few months. This universe is fantastic. I needed the reminder. I needed it this week. I needed it today.
So thank you universe. I get the message, now go work on making me that million I asked for.
And you, whoever is reading, don't be too hard on yourself.