Yes...Maybe..No.....Okay..... "I Will Die One Day" Dedicated for You
About six years ago, after my child went through a very dramatic event, I decided to change slowly. I am only 40% of where I want to be. Who I want to be. Few things I can say from my journey so far.
1. You have moments when you feel your mind is full of peace and joy that feels just like the time you saw your child out of your womb for the first time.
Tears of pure joy and peace. Embrace them. Savor them. Rejoice them. Live for those moments. Recognize those moments as they hold the essence of life.
2. You have moments when people will hate you, make up stories about you, drag you through mud, advice you, judge you, give you reasons as to why the 1000's of years of social evolution has made up the society as we see today and its advantages.
You will doubt your sanity; you will sink into depression. And you will take 2 step back for every 3 step forward.
But Hang on. No storm lasts forever. Just hold on.
3. One day (for me it took six years) you will wake up and have a moment where you will say out loud "enough.... I am going to die at some point....it's certain." The truth of mortality will strike you with an immense force that no longer will be deniable. You will understand the one certain thing in this world...Death. You will see the value of honesty, integrity, and authenticity.
When this day comes, expect some turmoil. Be prepared for it. have your support system ready. It will happen. Either you will choose to get lost in the sea of someone else, or you will find your island.
4. You will find yourself stand alone. It will feel like the first day of nursery school, but with better filters. You will feel alone, scared, doubting and questioning everything. Fear will rule your every cell. Your mind will tell you a million reasons as to why you should go back and make everything better.
But don't listen to your mind. It can trick you at times. Listen to your heart. And let your soul guide you. Sit with it. Be patient with it. Let fear come, do its thing and leave. Just sit with it.
5. Read the fourth step again. Read the one sure thing you know " YOU ARE GOING TO DIE ONE DAY." Then sit down and make a list of existential questions - this is very subjective to you as a person. Answer each question honestly. Make a decision as to what you want to do. Don't do this before you go through stages of 1-4.
6. Put the "truth," existential questions, answers and your decision on any place that is readily available to you. We are human beings, and we are wired to question and re-evaluate, it's part of our "save man from going extinct" DNA for survival. It doesn't know that we are not living in the caveman era anymore. Read every time you question your decision. It's your reassurance that you did the work to get where you are.
What I wrote above is not a piece of advice. I used 'you' as a general term. Embrace your decision, whatever that may be.
All of our lives as we know it ends by an event called death. I don't know what's beyond it, or even if what we call life is an elaborate dream and death is when we wake up to another world ( have I confused you enough:D. Sorry I can't help my wild imaginations... It will be super cool, right ? )
Fuck trying to be positive all the time. Emotions and feelings are real and valid. Let them come and go.
Embrace who you are, even if you are labeled... Be who you feel you are.