I usually start writing after I have a title.
This one; That will be the last I put in as I don't know where this is going.
One thing I can say, it's coming from my heart and it is aching. It is full of sadness and pain and its aching so badly and its time for it to bleed. I take few deep breaths to tell my heart that its okay to feel this.
Its ok to be sad and hurt.
It's ok to feel and its ok to not know.
Is all of it real?
Some are just thoughts, some are perceptions, and rest is imagination.
I am adding all of it to a story. A story worth reading and maybe make you think for a moment. It's up to anyone who reads to feel what their truth is and what's their imagination.
It has been tough few days, and I have been holding on.
I refuse to be mad again; I refuse to feel hatred; I refuse to keep the dialogue going; I refuse to be stuck.
I will do whatever it take to not be stuck, crawl, walk, run, whatever it takes.
Today started with a question.
"Di, one question."
"If you know the world will end in 3 days what will you do ??
" I will go find him and say that the world is ending in 3 days and I don't care what he or others think right now. That I love him at this moment and I hate him for everything he had done. I will hug him and kiss his forehead one last time. Then I will go home to my kids and spent rest of the time hugging, kissing and telling them their baby stories."
"No self-respect ?? Still... Now I feel sorry for asking... "
"It is not about lack of self-respect. The condition is that the world ends in three days. If you read my answer again, you will see that I am not asking for anything. I am telling him something. I want to give him a hug and a kiss before we all die, a man who I truly loved for reasons I do not know and yet want nothing back from. It's what love is to me, many, including him, doesn't understand it. I don't want anything from him even when the world is ending. But I want to say one last time how I feel about the ones I love with my heart. There is a difference. "
"Many won't, But I can. I still want you out of that maze."
"I do too. I no longer want to feel what I feel. I don't want to love someone unworthy and thinks of me as nothing. It is a very lonely and horrible place to be in life."
"True.... U deserve to be treated like a queen."
"Treat me like one? Yes. I do deserve a man who will treat me like a queen since I make him my king. It's about mutual respect and love that stem from deep inside. It's about being heard and seen at the deepest level of emotions. It is about being connected inside the souls."
I struggle day in and day out.
He is in the past, but saying goodbye has been the most difficult thing to do.
What you do when you feel love so deep that no longer has a place to flow to!
Nothing, you do absolutely nothing.
You grieve, you do what it takes to take the next step. You let yourself feel the pain, accept the 'it is what it is, ' and you pray.
Your love should be abundant and vast that let him feel free. But a time comes to have a boundary to be up.
This day, I do not feel like talking. I do not feel like answering.
This day I feel like hitting the pause button on life and stay in the present moment and be unoccupied.
I wish the man of steel is here with me now. I don't want to talk. But if he had something he wants to tell me...
I would love to listen.
Lay my head on his shoulder, place my palm on his chest n feel his heart beat, listen, inhaling his scent, in a state of half-awakeness.
I have fallen in love twice in 16 years. And I am afraid of it now. So, this day I want to be present in the world, without participating in it. Just quiet, absent and lost in thoughts, memories, and dream.
Love is very sacred, any kind that is.
You are lucky if you have gotten a chance to receive it or give it. It's very painful not to be lost in the pain that comes after the loss. It takes openness and acceptance to grieve and be able to move on to the next stage in life.