It is 4.15 am on a Wednesday.
I am up and catching up on writing. And I have an abundance of topics that I have wanted to write about. I sit here, and he is on my mind. I can't let go of that thought. It had been few days since this thought had been prominent. And I had pushed it behind my minds corner as I did not want to validate it. But, sometimes a story is determined to come out whether I want to or not. So I am not resisting it today. Let it flow. Go ahead, My dear.
I asked my doctor yesterday. " Why is he still on my mind? Why can't I forget it all?" She smiled and replied. "You will. In time."
I smiled at her and sighed. It had been long. And yet, I wish I could honestly express how it feels.
I asked myself yesterday the question of why. Why do I love him? Why do I not hate him with everything that had been said and done? Why do I care?
I do not have a good answer except a weird one. I love him because he needs it.
From a distance, Without ever seeing, Without telling, Without even him knowing, I love him, because we all need someone to love us for who we are. And I am his someone.
Don't look at me funny, as I do not understand this either. I am waiting for the time my doctor had mentioned where I no longer think of him. Though I have my doubts about that time.
I feel love is a choice as well as a force. I may find a day when I bury him deep inside me. I may not think of him as part of my daily life. Things may end up not reminding me of him. Someday, I may be free of the pain. But as of today, he is there in everything I see.
He had went on living his life the way he prefer. Leaving me stuck and broken. But I am grateful for the good memories. And the sudden jolt of pain he gave me as it changed my life. I am forever grateful to him. As he changed my path so drastically and pushed me to be my best. So my logical brain feels that sending love for him to this Universe is my way of saying thank you.
I don't hold any illusions. I don't think whatever was said and done is all great. I don't condone the abusive words or the strategic manipulation. But it is also hard to be mad at someone you love. So I am waiting for the day when he no longer will hold an active space in my heart.
I am choosing today to look at the good. The change. And be grateful. I am grateful.
Journey Of Love For The Imperfect You
"I saw that you are perfect and I loved you. I saw that you are imperfect and I still loved you."
Then came the abyss of pain and confusion. Your cowardliness and dishonesty gave me flail and panic And I frantically pray to God and the universe, To give me strength and courage.
The journey I was already on, got an extra push. And I felt a wide variety of emotions and feelings.
I felt moments where I didn't feel I will ever be ok. But then....... I am beginning to be;
I feel thankful and grateful for the experience. I accept that, I can't change the past,
But yes, I wanted to be not betrayed on. And yes, I want to be valued as a human being. And yes, I am aware of who you are.
No regret for the good memories, the laughs, the love. Never to deny the good from the time of us.
I refuse, To let the choice you made, The abusive words you used, The actions you gave, To destroy the good of the good memories. That's your choice and your loss. I refuse to view good as bad, Just because things didn't go as you expected.
My love is real, authentic and genuine. And I accept the reality and wish you the best.
The help once you asked me, "To help you be an honest man". I hope you find the courage to be an honest man.
I pray to you, Not to put another human being through a pain of such ever again.
Like the quote says, my love for you will always be with you. And I hope you find love for yourself, From within your heart!
ps: This painting is drastically different from the first one and yet, theme is the same. What I am trying to say is this. Take the next step, crawl if you have to. It always makes a difference. I am not the same. And I have a long way to go. But I am accepting and embracing it all and finding beauty in life. You can too.