So.... I wrote about this once before. I used to love cooking once upon a time. My best memories of making food are from Folsom and San Jose.
Whenever I think of food, two friends from those places comes to mind. The tradition of making food for others and enjoying it continued even after I moved back to Dallas.
I have always loved a full kitchen table filled wit laughter and jokes.
But then, with time true selves of people started coming out including mine.
Something I loved and did from heart became the very thing that I was measured my worth against. Gradually it became a chore, and I hated it. I hated that my worth as a being has come down to making meals. So I stopped.
It was not sudden. Dishes I make stared tasting bland. I started having panic instead of pleasure every time I thought of food. And I stopped.
Then I made a significant change three months ago, I found myself thinking about old times again. I started thinking about changing things up again like I used to. I used to think of recreating things I taste. I still don't like to be put on the spot for food. But, I am finding my way back.
I am finding myself enjoying making food and watching my two little ones enjoy it. I am not a supermom, and I am not someone who insists on doing everything from scratch. But I love making things.
Creating things and sharing them.
Whether they are a write up, a painting, a tech process or a plate of food.
What I learned in last decade is this: You are made of little things you love doing.
A walk alone. A dinner date with girlfriends. A dirty joke said out loud with friends. A meal shared with someone special.
You are made of little things, little things you love with all your heart and do not do because you have to. But you do them because you love to. And It is part of who you are.
Sometimes people (including us) will use those things as their right. Sometimes we will end up measured against what we were and hold to a standard of expectation.
But the truth is that we are evolving every day. We are learning and changing as we live. Part of that is redefining the little things we do. Often I have observed that people who are around us get used to the idea of you at a given point and refuse to let go of it.
If you are like me, even though vocal, will have a hard time disappointing anyone. It's a real internal conflict as you cannot meet the demands of others as it no longer comes from the heart and yet you are feeling upset that you are disappointing people in your life.
It took me a long time to find an answer for myself. And that was another lesson.
There is no one answer, you all need to find your own solution.
For me, being true to my heart and soul, matching my inside and outside was important. As I discovered that I was not myself, that I was losing myself, I had to do something I feared always. Embrace disappointing people.
It was hard at first, and I would describe it as learning to walk. I crawled first, then stood up for few seconds, fell many times. But my mind was set on walking, and nothing was going to stop me from getting there. So I kept trying.
I lost a lot of things while I was trying to walk. But then one day, I was able to walk for a stretch of time before I fell. Then the stretch started expanding.
And here I am. Keep getting back up with relentless spirit as I no longer scared of disappointing people.
The bravery to not fear disappointing others came from the knowledge that no matter what you do, you will disappoint someone. It is not up to any one of us to make other happy.
If you or I can not love or be happy with another on our own, it's not on them; it's on us.......
I learned and accepted that no one could make anyone happy.
It has to come from within.
Others may influence it, but at the end, we are responsible for who we are and how we feel. This includes doing what it takes to bring joy to your heart.
I pray and wish that if you are stuck, you find the courage to take a pause and see why you are stuck.
Why your heart is not singing that tune it loved once and what will take for it to sing again...
I pray you find out the joy of being your true self, as defined by you.