I have made a promise to the Universe.
I promise to the Universe, my heart, and creativity that I plan to tell a story. I will keep my promise, and I will dedicate my full heart and soul to this.
I promise to be open, authentic, vulnerable and write my way into healing my wounds and the broken heart.
I promise you, my dear heart, which I will make it right for you.
The Event - Day One
It was a Saturday. I woke up excited and a little bit worried. I was going to meet someone I have started to love without seeing him. I was going to meet him for the first time. And I was not sure how he would be. From the stories I heard, I didn't know. I had prepared for the day by reading and talking to people who knows such situations. Above everything, I had faith in my love. And I had it for him in it's purest of forms. A mother's love.
I went to Target and bought puzzles and toys that I have already researched as appropriate for him and crayons. I was ready. I was ready to meet him.
I rang the bell, and he opened the door. He looked sad, and my stomach sank a little. You see, I didn't like him feeling sad. But I understood as he had told me that it had been a difficult night for the child.
I walked in, and he called out his wife. She came out of the kitchen, and her mom and dad were around, and she said hello. I saw Abhi sit on the couch and I gave him the presents. Anju and I exchanged few words, and I can't even recollect what she said. Abhi started throwing a tantrum, and I saw all feel uncomfortable.
She, her mom and dad were tending to him and its expected for him to feel a little bit flustered in the presence of someone new. I was getting ready to leave. Anju asked if I would like to have breakfast. Even though I was aware and have accepted the whole scenario, it felt weird. So I thanked her, and I walked.
Then I stopped for a moment as she said this "Ram doesn't eat anything traditional. He wants egg whites and healthy food."
I felt a knot in my stomach. Something was off. I looked at Ram, and he was standing there. Later I would realize that it was one of those moments that I had chosen to not acknowledge by choice.
I went home. While driving, I got texts from him saying how good it was to see me. And he felt suffocated in there. I consoled him as a good partner would. He asked me if he can come to my home in the evening. It was usual you know. We had shared our spaces for the past six months. There was nothing unusual, and everything was as they were the day before.
He came in the evening.
I saw a broken man. And I didn't understand why he was looking that way. I assumed he was tired from not getting enough sleep last night. And he was talking to me about how hard it is to be around the chaos at his house. One thing I know for sure is chaos at home. I have lived with it for so long that I am very aware of its claws and pain.
I held him, hugged him so tight that I could feel his heart beat. He looked aged within a day. We have not been with each other for three days by then.
He asked, "Could we lie down?"
I held him as we lied down. He seemed small. Wounded and very different.
I always felt home with him. Home, home can be a person. And he was home for me then. I believed foolishly then that I was his home. It didn't take long that day. And he got up to go to washroom immediately. Felt odd, but again, nothing about us or the life we have been living and planning to live was normal.
I hugged him so tightly, almost not wanting to let him go. But I knew I have to. He had to get to him, his child. I asked him to text me once he reached home safe.
It was a rough night for me. I couldn't go to sleep. Nightmares keep waking me up. I texted him my worries, hopes, dreams, and plans. I texted him that I love him and I will wait as long as he had asked me to.
He asked me if I love him.
I said "Yes."
He said "Then you shouldn't worry. We will figure this out."
I held on to those words.
I held onto those words for next 25 days.
That night, when he came to see me. Now looking back I could see him distant and not the man I knew until the day before. But I didn't catch it. I didn't register it in my heart.
He had told me before he was walking out of the door that they are sharing a room, which was different than what he said before. And I realized it is what I felt off when I visited the house. The bedroom. It is what gave me that knot in my stomach.
I told him,
"You won't understand the pain I feel as you know I am yours. I will have to live till the day you choose knowing you are sharing a bed with someone. It is the cruelest thing a man can ask a woman who loves him."
I continued looking into his eyes,
"I am not saying or asking anything. This pain is insane. I am crazy to love you this much. I am still thinking you are mine and believing everything you have been telling me. It feels insane and yet I love you more than I can express."
He had said that sharing a bed means nothing to him. She would sleep on one side and he would on other. And their child will be in the middle. I know how idiotic it sounds when I say that I believed him. Because I believed him, every time he had said "I love you. You are my soul mate."
Since then I have spent countless hours trying to understand why I chose to believe him. And some things in this life is not answered when asked.
My heart ached as I watched him leave. The uneasy feeling was there. I didn't know what it was then. Not till I wake up the next day.
Not till I woke up and saw the unthinkable and unbelievable side of him next day.