We all wear masks; we call it different names. But at the end of the day, it is nothing but a mask we wear. As human beings we need reasons to do what we do, so we make stories and tell it our own selves, why we are doing what we are doing. I am very good at this, but lately, i try to find the true reasons as to why I do anything. The dark and light reasons. I started being honest with myself as part of accepting and loving my own self. So brutal honesty to myself is vital to me. I know I wear masks, many different ones, nothing very shiny, nothing too far away from who I am at heart. Mostly I wear them because I make people uncomfortable sometimes. I sometimes don't think very much and say what I feel straight out of my heart, and some things are better unsaid. So I wear a filter, which is not very effective.
I have been on auto pilot, talking, smiling and making small talk, doing what needs to be done and making decisions. I wish you were around. I know, I don't think you are. I know my love validated you; I know that it made you feel good. It made you feel desired, wanted, worthy and like a king. I put you on a pedestal, didn't I? I remember the question "why do you want him, what is there to him ?". I have seen the confusion and question mark on the face that asked me the question and you looking at me and me looking at you. I know you walked away with the simplicity of walking away from an escort, yes I know, I am saying it out loud. It's time to face facts and truth and get up from the crumbled ruins. I don't know what else I was expecting, to be honest, I never even consider the possibility that it was all a lie. The joke is on me, the more I sought after you for a few minutes - to ask why - the more I reached out to the person who protects you, the more I made you feel valued. I am sure that it has increased your value where you are now too. I am happy for you, if I was a reason for you to have what you didn't have before and if you are happy.
I have mixed feelings all the time, one moment I hate you so much and the next I am hoping to turn a corner and may see you. But we will never see again, a betrayal of this magnitude is just impossible to let go. I try to not think about you, and i let it pass like a nightmare that I want to pass. I do miss you, I am human, and I don't want to deny the reality of feelings.
Seeing your words, which you swore that was nothing but trying to "not make me have an episode," they make me laugh through my tears. They are funny not because you lied because I believed them all. I believed them even when I was fighting for you; you asked why I didn't give up, because you don't give up on people you love and care for without trying, without fighting for them. I know you have never done that for anyone in your life, and I am sorry no one has done that for you either. But I did, and I lost, I lost to you.
I hated that you were so conscious about how you looked. I hated that you needed constant external validation. I hated that you refused to see past your outside and look deep inside your mind and heart. I hated that you would get angry at me for saying something so obvious when I am just trying to help you. I hated that no one in your life said the truths to you and let you grow.
But I loved how you came knocking on my door. I loved that you were exceptional at what you did. I loved that you were so much sought after and valued at what you did. I loved that you had a child like demeanor at times. I loved that you loved the way I loved you.
The truth of now: You meant a lot to me. You meant a lot to me, with me knowing all your flaws. You were not the best looking guy who I had seen, or the smartest, or the kindest. You didn't love me unconditionally either, I was too much for you at times, and I always saw that. My dark side was just unbearable for you, I have always seen that never said anything as I never wanted to ask more than you wanted to give. You had a way to live, and I was always outside that.
To you, feelings and emotions and life were just a place where you wanted to be seen. For me, it was all about the feelings and emotions and honesty. The day I called you, saying I am so broken with grief, and I wanted you to come and be with me in silence, you said no. You said you don't want to be dragged down by me. It broke my heart, but what you do when you love someone. You let them go. You told me later that you don't want to see pain, and all I had was the pain. It's all I know, and you held me and promised that you would be there for me, the next time. And..I believed you. But there was no next time....There will never be the next time...
I try to think of it all sometimes, to find a meaning to the pain I have because of a choice I made, to love you and to be with you. The fall was too hard as the place I stayed was way up high. I know that I was a warm blanket that gave you company on your lonely nights, while your real life was waiting to come back. I was a mere entertainment for you, wasn't I ? But I loved you, you know.... It's all that matters to me now. I did what I promised, I loved with every bit in me, and I fought for you. Till the day you told me that I am no longer welcome to your life. You said you are happy, and that's where I needed to stop.
The pain has gotten better; I can get through things without shedding tears. I know the news will come soon, I will see pictures of happiness and joy, I am prepared for it. A new life will come to your world, and I will be forgotten forever. I don't want you to think of me ever again; I am no longer the woman who loved you. I am the ghost of that past where you had your fun and gone in a second.
I read the words below, and I think of you.
“Fall in love with someone who wants you, who waits for you, who understands you. Someone who helps you, and guides you, someone who is your support, your hope. Fall in love with someone who talks with you after a fight. Fall in love with someone who misses you and wants to be with you. Do not fall in love only with a body or with a face; or with the idea of being in love.”
I thought I had fallen in love with a man who wanted me, who waited for me, who understood me. Someone who promised me the world wanted to guide, to be my shoulder, and my hope. I thought I had fallen for a man who couldn't wait to fight with me so that he can make up and make me laugh. I thought I had found a man who missed me and wanted me to be with him for all the years to come. But instead all of it, I learned that I had fallen for a man who had nothing but words to offer. And that I have to learn to be whole again on my own and let him go and never want him back.
You may think I am angry; I am not. I miss you, but the pain and hurt you have given me are enough for almost two lifetimes. I have seen the wrath you hold inside of you. I have seen your words mean nothing to you and you had sold your soul to the devil. I miss you at times, I will not lie, but I am glad that I get to move on. I am grateful that you stayed your ground and let me go so that I can find my home again.
Isn't it funny that I loved you the most and yet turned out that you are the least I could ever trust? I learned that I can't control anyone's loyalty even if I offer them a world of love. No matter how good you are to them, doesn’t mean that they will treat you the same. No matter how much they mean to you, doesn’t mean that they’ll value you the same. And I am grateful for the gift you have given me. A space in my life, my biggest weakness of all is my inability to leave till I am pushed.
I finally see that I loved the idea of you, loyal and trustworthy man I can love, who can love me back. But you showed me how easy was it for you just to say things that were not true, yell and scream and throw stones as it needed to fit the part. I don't regret loving you; I regret fighting for you. I regret not seeing through you, but some lessons are never learned without living it. And you taught me not to give my worth away again. You taught me that I could survive almost everything, every betrayal, and every pain. You taught me that I could lose my mind and yet I will survive.
So, I do not want to validate you.
You meant a lot to me, and I did love you with all my heart.
You never deserved any of it.
You never deserved my love or loyalty or commitment.
You deserved what you chose.
I regret not walking away that day when you begged me to stay back.
That's the only regret I hold.
The price I paid for the lesson was too high, but yet, it made me who I am today.
One day, the circle will catch up, and I hope I am nowhere near to see it.
I hope I am as far away as I can be, with the man who loves me and the life we will build.
I forgive you, but I will not forget how it felt, the pain, the humiliation, the disgust, the despise, the hatred, the anger.....
I will not forget the sight of you, screaming to my face and closing the door behind.
I pray you to be happy;
I pray you to be well.
I pray God to be with you and angels to protect you.