" Did I say that I will divorce her and marry you?"
That question sent me on a downward spiral of pain, shame, guilt, and sadness. Next to that was my ever so passionate need, yes "Need," to explain and bring what it is required to say "Yes, you did.".
I spent hours lost in it. I tortured myself.
Now, let me "explain." I write based on what my soul produces out of real life. My soul is like a mustang. It lets me think that I have tamed it, at times. But then, it has its own madness and independence. From time to time, it takes me on its back and heads into the deep woods. I get to see the beauty of nature and nurture and the world. Since I am pretty new at this, I fall a lot, and I get right back up.
That sentence and these thoughts were on my mind since yesterday. I have been brewing on it. Thinking about why was I feeling so affected by that sentence. I wanted to understand how can someone who has walked away and caused so much hurt can still send me on a spiral and wanting to explain and prove things. The truth is that I have nothing to prove to anyone. I have nothing I would like to gain. I no longer want this person in my life, and yet, there I was, crying and panicking because of one sentence.
This has been going on for some time. I hold a love so deep that any thought around that sends me on a path of shame and guilt and pain.
And a need to explain, more than anything, to myself.
Yesterday on my wild journey of the soul, I started thinking about this. Why does this need exist? Why do I need to explain myself when it no longer matters?
Then I realized that I am trying to explain to myself. I am trying to accept it myself. I am trying to heal myself from the wounds of self-doubt. It is why I feel a need to explain. This is very much personal perception and not universal. This is the reason, my reason, I feel this need. Doesn't mean you may have the same reason.
I write based on my personal life journey. What I would like to leave is a provoking seed of thought. When you feel something of such 'Need,' take a step back and think about it. Think for a second, or two, why you are feeling this.
Understanding why I feel what I feel helps me in healing. To me, it is to explain and convince myself that "I did the right thing under the information I had." And it is important to my soul, and it is why I feel the need. Now, my way out is to accept this and learn that I do not need to prove anything to anyone and all I need to do is remind myself that.
Lovebugs, most times when you feel you need to prove yourself or your actions or your love or your worthiness or your value, take a step back and take a deep, hard, uncomfortable look at "why." You may become surprised with what you will find.
And, it might be just the "thing" you need to start your healing journey.
To healing and Self Acceptance... To Hope.....