• Saj

As the day nears... As I let go... As I accept...


The day has come and gone. And 3 days past, I am still way too emotional and in pain. I have made few grave mistakes. Enough to stand on its own. I wrote this on Jan 26th. As part of moving the stories, thought today is a good day to add it back here.

You will never know if this is fiction or real. And I have no intention of distinguishing it either. As I do not write this for anyone but myself. I sat down in front of my writing desk to get few things finished, get few things squared away before I call it a night. But as I glanced at the calendar, a dreadful thought came to mind. And I had to write, I knew it is a bad idea to start writing at this hour. I will never get to the tasks I was sitting down to do. And it will take me least some time to finish this story. But sometimes stories need to be told as they unfold in your mind space. It had to be done. In 5 days January will move away and February will take its place. And then that day will roll around, the day I need to gather every strength I can find inside me and get through. It is a milestone, and it will shake my core, and I will get through it. But as I think of that and reassure myself that I will get through it, I can't help thinking about the same day a year prior. A day I thought had brought a good man into my life. A day I thought life might have changed for better. Actually, it did change my life. It did eventually change my life for better. Just not the way I thought it would. He had referred to that day as one of the best days of his life to me. He had described to me how lucky he was. That day had brought with it the knowledge that I could love again. That I could love someone and give my full heart to him. I was happy for few short days, genuinely happy. I did make one fatal mistake, though, I believed him. Every word he ever said, I believed them, I wanted to believe them and I did. I had forgiven myself for that. It took effort, a lot of it, to forgive me for believing someone's words. Even after it went horribly wrong, I fiercely loved him and tried to protect him as much as I could. Even when I knew better, even when I saw his real face... I had worked around the clock to feel better, to stand up from where I had fallen, from the pain of watching him throw me to wolves. I didn't have many complaints, I was grateful for the few days, for the truth that I could love when I had previously thought that I could never love anyone ever again. I took the good out of the past and I worked tirelessly to get better, to move on, to leave the past behind. The pain was unbelievable, I had asked him one thing when we met, honesty. And he had promised me that. But I later realized that he was incapable fo it, and it hurt. It took my breaths away for long weeks... But slowly I came back to life, stronger, calmer, and more determined. I had started to look life a bit differently, my courage had gone up, and my fear had gone down. Then a day came when I realized that I was being used all along. The day I thought one way was described by him to another as a very different day. And it hurt first, but then I saw all the pieces of the puzzle at once in front of me. And I had no choice but to sit down and start working on it. As the puzzle started to complete, I could see every conversation as part of a plot. A story that I later can tell. I had my logical hat forced upon me and I saw for the first time what it was all about. A few hours after I had started to put the puzzle together, still contemplating how to keep the benefits of the doubt going, I found myself standing in front of a man who resembled somewhat of a man I love. But this man was different, weaker, inauthentic and broken. I watched my sadness whither away as he yelled, screamed, accused, called names and said anything and everything I had said to him with confidence. Things you say to the one you love in most intimate and comfortable moments inside a relationship. I watched him betray me for the last time, lose my trust, lose his humanity and lose my respect. I felt a strange peace fill my heart as sadness and grief were lifting away from me, I felt pity for the man who was standing in front of me and lying to himself and me. And I felt pity knowing that he lost the one woman who loved him for who he is, with all his lies, with all his flaws, who tried to stand by him when he asked her to help him become a better man. He had asked me that before..... Help him become an honest and better man. Help him live a life of truth. But, all he ever did was lie. I watched him with nothing more than apathy. I wanted to ask him something, but then I asked myself why it matters..... It no longer matters. I wanted to ask him that day, as he was saying truths I have confided in him as well as made up lies in anger, how much of what he had confided me in confidence I have ever said out loud? How much of his confessions I had spoken up? If his accusations are true, why would I still keep things that were told to me in confidence hidden? But it didn't matter. Not anymore at that moment. He had become part of the crowd who no longer mattered to me. He became a stranger, who happened to scream at me. And I turned around and walked away. The day is still coming, and I am going to feel something.... But I know I will be okay. Time with him and without him had taught me valuable life lessons. Had endowed me with confidence to be on my own. Had proved to me what is of value to me in this lifetime. He had shown me how honor, integrity, and truth matter to me more than anything. He was the last lesson for me to begin my true authentic life. If none of it happened, if the day a year ago in Feb didn't happen, I wouldn't be who I am now. And I have gratefulness for the life I had lived, for learning that I can love again, for reinforcement of what I would like to do in life, for reassurance of what values I want to live by and above all..... For falling in love with life. Someday, I would like the universe to make him to look back at this time and know what he had and what he had lost. May God be kind enough to him.

Luv

Saj

#Memoir #Grief

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Sajatha Jaffer  |  sajatha.jaffer@gmail.com

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