• Saj

A story worth telling - Empath and Narcissist


So, i have been reading. Yes, it is about myself today. I am a scorpio. Actually i fit into the bill very well. But something was always off. I mean, i was off of main stream, translation 'normal'. I was aware enough about my own self that i was smart enough to try to emulate being normal. But, the problems about masks are that they are not that sustainable. They come off at the most inconvenient times, without being asked, your true self will show up. And it is one of the most frustrating things i have faced in my life. The helplessness of the feeling of out of control, when all i want is to be in control. But the funny thing is that, i know in life only very few things you can have control over. What you do have a grip on is how you face things, how you react to things. Life is pretty much a runaway train for me. Me being hanging onto whatever i can find and the train keeps going whichever way it feels like. But the sights are beautiful at times... I get the most craziest experiences. I have never been able to understand why i could be having a normal conversation and suddenly i find myself in the middle of some chaotic event. Its as if i attract these things. It has always been this way. And i grew up searching for a deeper connection with someone. People have come and gone, but i have always looked for what i give, an unconditional love and acceptance. And since i never got it, i have been giving it away. But i have been careful after i was heart broken once, years ago... I would love, but the core my heart was hidden. Even then, i would find myself go on this roller coaster rides of life events. Its as if God and universe is competing with each other to test my endurance, who can crack me first competition. It amazes me now.. The extend of trauma i have gone through. And in somewhat weird way, i always got back up every-time i was knock down. Not without collateral damage, it felt very very painful....But it also felt as if i am being pushed and pulled through fire... And i started changing...Well i started accepting what has always been inside myself. It came with costs. And took me years to make some of the toughest choices i have made. " Today, i am going to talk about none of this. I accidentally bump into an article today. Link is below. And it is as if the author is describing my life story of attempted human connections. I have always been the one who felt too much, expressed too much and said too much. I have loved two men 13 years apart from each other. The first never had the spine to ask my hand in marriage and took me a long time to get over the emotional toll it put on me. The second man, i feel was the kind from the article. attraction-between-an-empath-and-a-narcissist Its very surreal that i bumped into this article today. This man, who i went above and beyond for broke my heart few months ago. Today, a while ago, i was talking and i realized as my friend from other end of the phone telling me that "He had not been given the gift to be truly happy as he does not deserve you". I know she is sweet and she was trying to make me stop tearing up telling her about wanting to wish him a birthday message and how he could have just be kind in some ways. Its been months and i have not seen or talk to this man, but i can feel him..... I say this knowing that you can say it is bs, as i would say the same. Its impossible to feel someone else, isnt it? Least i thought so, till few months ago. The first time i felt him, i felt his sadness, i called him and i heard him say hello and my belly went into a knot. And i asked him if he is ok. He said he is, but the knot in my belly was just tight. So i went to see him and he was not ok. I just ignored it as i thought, well i might be reading micro-expressions. I never told him that i can feel a lot of what he feels, especially the negative things. Today, after i saw that link, i went into reading about what an empath is. And suddenly i could link few things here and there. I know how weird and unbelievable that is. Well you can pretty much talk yourself into believing anything. I have always wondered why would complete strangers find me welcoming to their deepest and saddest stories. I have countless amount of times that i have sit and listened to people tell me their stories, only to feel heavy and sad right after. They seem to feel fine. I have had an array of people who i would not call good just keep piling up on me. One of my friends used make fun of me saying i attract crazy people. The point is i have always seem to attract whatever is out there that is weak and insecure. And i have been caught up in the world wind of not understanding why the once close so and so is very strong and distant way too many times. This man, i fallen in love with, he was a scorpio like me. He was what i was may be a decade ago, and i could feel him, his pain and his connection, which he swears later that "all was a lie". The problem is that i so badly want to believe it, and i want to be as far away from him as possible and i am physically, but i feel that wiring into somewhere of his consciousness still existing. I can feel him feel things. The positive ones are not as strong as the negative ones, and thankfully its not all the time. It explains a lot of my aches and pains, and the sadness and turmoil i feel inside me. I am pretty strong emotionally , with enough hiccups, as life currently involves some pretty hard situations. He is the last thing on my mind that i am bothered about, as i have crisis to survive from. But he comes to my mind at the oddest of times, and every time, its tears. And i despise crying for a man who so callously walked away with one word, who could care less about who or what he affected or broken. Such man deserves nothing, but i was telling my friend that he might be the luckiest person i have ever met and the unluckiest. I feel driven to love him, is that even understandable? To me, its not. Why would i do such self destructive thing, why would i love someone who so is so cruel and manipulative and so weak. I feel both emotions very strongly, the love i feel is unconditional and i find myself praying fro him to be happy, but then i find myself being angry because i feel so intensely for a man who deserve none of it. I remind myself every time a thought of him pops up unexpected, what he had asked me to do, how he had hurt me in ways no one has. I list it out, one by one. I had forgiven him, but forgetting what he had done so easily and the extend of destruction he had done is not my forte. So i was thinking as she spoke those words, how lucky he is to be loved by someone who doesnt really have a choice but is driven to give him that unconditionally and how unlucky he is to never be able to experience the warmth of it. I would give almost anything to be loved the way i feel for this man. But i chose every moment that connection is being established to push him out of my head. I say to myself repeatedly that he doesnt deserve it, give it away to someone else. But i think its the link. I can feel him, and i am incapable of breaking it. The first few weeks, i would get angry as i hear him angry and i kept thinking why do i feel angry. The sadness i felt was maddening. I think now that after reading it, i might have been feeling sadness of two people. Mine and his. Now, the pangs of emotional turbulence i feel is not mine. As i am moving through my days, making decisions and choices, i would suddenly stop and gasp for air, and i would feel a block in my chest and i would have to sit down to breath. A sudden cloud of sadness just pops up and it stays. Its as if i am me and someone. The only person i have ever felt that connected to was him. And i dont want to be connected to him. I know there are reasons beyond what i understand in this world, but if i could have something, then it is for him to leave my heart and my mind. He had taken everything i had, i was drained when he left, i was an empty shell for weeks, cursing myself for trusting and opening up my heart to someone so unworthy of it. But, every time a thought pops into my head "may be he was never loved by anyone without wanting something or changing him, may be you were supposed to do it". I usually repeat a "F word" right after that to shake myself away from that thought. Actually i have written when i have had that thought. That invokes the empath in me, wanting to hold all the bad in this world and heal them all. It has been a struggle, but today i seem to grasp some other things about it all. May be it will help me break the link i feel. If you ask me, the scorpio, who is passionate and loves like no one else is alive in this world, who can forgive and never forget, he doesnt deserve it. He had drained me of everything i have already. And i will never trust a man like him again. He is hurt and he had been selfish. He had used people and moved on, no amount of insecurities or pain justifies using someone. So he doesnt deserve anything but to be away from my mind. And today, i can probably start my healing by pushing him farther away and trying to break the connection i feel. This is from that article, and it has been word by word true in this story "Any attempt to communicate authentically with the narcissist will be futile as they will certainly not be looking to soothe and heal anyone else. Not only this, they are extremely charismatic and manipulative and have a powerful way of turning everything away from themselves and onto others. A narcissist will blame their own pain on an empath, plus they will also make sure the empath feels responsible for the pain they too are suffering." " The End.

#Courage

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Sajatha Jaffer  |  sajatha.jaffer@gmail.com

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