The way he smiles when his heart is full and he is not conscious….
The way he walks when he feels proud of his biceps….
The way he sings so carelessly around me…..
The way he looks at me when I turn around to kiss him in the mornings…
The little things that made me love him….
I have been sick today. And sickness always puts the defense in defense. There is walls and walls of defense I have built around my mind and heart to prevent them from talking to each other. It is the only way to ensure that I can keep moving through space and time without falling apart. This takes a lot of energy, emotional energy. Today, I have been sick. I have been tired from days of no sleep and anxiety of work. Then it hit me like a giant wave and knocked me off of my feet.
It's the little things. It is always the little things that reminds me of him. And it is unbelievable what sets it off. And how long it has been, it is time to forget and move on already......... But that is the thing about love, genuinely felt, there is no expiration date on that thing. There is no getting over; you may learn to live with the pain with tons of wall. And the internet has not been very kind.
It asks you to hate this person, how do you hate someone you love?
Find flaws? But it is the flaws that I love about him.
Do you not love everything about the person you love?
Do you not love that they sing so loudly and confidently around you even though they are terrible singers and knows it?
Do you not love how angry they get when they are tired and frustrated?
Yes, it is the little things. And they set off a chain of memories in my head. And then heart remembers how it felt to be with him. Then it remembers how it felt to be betrayed by him. Then it feels what it's like to be abandoned by him.
He knows why I write. He knows all of the truths, whether he wants to accept or not is up to him. He told me that he never loved me, and it might be true. But none of what he says now will take away or change the past, will it? I still hold the memories and experiences, and yes, it changed the future. Future was changed months ago, with one sentence from him.
What he doesn't want to know he will never know. I had gone through all of it a million times, and given what I have, either he was a pretty good liar to me, or he is a pretty good liar to himself.
I want to understand why I love him. Don't you?
It is why I write. I am done hiding, and I can't talk about him to anyone. As I do not understand it myself, how can I expect anyone else to understand it......