Today is a special day.
I had just sneaked off of bedroom where my two young is sleeping. I had my guilty pleasure, Haagen-Daz almond vanilla ice cream bar, which my body immediately converts into pimples on my face...... As if it is going to stop me from eating them!
Back to today being a special day. Today, in fact, is one. I am only a couple of hours away from the day being done. I would like to write something before the day ends.
I am human; I flail, panic, get angry, feel sadness, joy, elation, defeated, driven. On some lucky days, I feel all of this within one day. But so far, I have noticed one thing I have not done consistently, which is giving up. I have quit things, I have given up ways of doing things, but I have never consistently given up on any of the important things - that is, things I find important. I was thinking about that today as I was telling my son about an index card I have on a board that hung on my wall. The card says "Do Not Give Up."
I want to give up so badly at times. For example, I did want to yesterday. But then, there is that tiny flicker inside somewhere in my soul that says "NO." It goes on saying "Don't you dare give up. Fight. Fight till your last breath." It is almost as if I have a personal trainer inside me who is the meanest, hardest, and most loving voice I can ever imagine. I call it God. So, this is where I always come up with saying out loud that I believe God is inside each one of us. I do believe that something is inside us and we drown it with way too much noise of outside and inside. But when you are truly alone, in a very busy world, you will learn to tap into that voice if you are determined.
A friend, a couple of years ago told me that my problem is that I do not have fear. I also believed that for a while. But, later I have learned that it is not that I do not have fear, I am scared out of my mind about a lot of things. It is that I live a life based on mathematics, even my fear has a priority scale. If I could show you, inside my head, it is all numbers. First time I saw the movie Matrix and saw the screen with letters and figures, I was thrilled. Immediate thought "Omg, I am not insane after all."
Fear is not new to me. Pain either. What is new to me is authenticity. And courage. I found out what is important to me in this life in last four years. And fear had to keep moving down the list of my priorities as I have started adding things to the top.
I embarked this journey, one I call "healing," I took an inventory of my past first. And I decided what is important to me, what I need to do to be able to heal up all the wounds my soul hold finally. Some of them are 29 years old. I understood that I have very limited choices here. I could open up and keep moving towards the goal I have set, which will require me to be truly authentic self. Or I could close up and live a life of misery and contradictions and die with a soul full of regrets. I would have chosen latter if I had not had kids. Once you have kids, once you see that they learn from watching and not from what you say to them, your whole perspective of life change. It did for me.
So I chose the first. Now, I thought very carefully about all the choices I have made in my past. And the consequences I have already faced and yet to face for them. And if I was ok with it all. And I am.
The path I chose is already coming down with prices to pay, but I have promised the universe that I will see it through as long as a life breath is left in me.
It is not lack of fear. It is the knowledge and acceptance that I can face any consequence of any past choice I have made, the acceptance that the past cannot be changed and consequences of past choices are already defined that gives me the strength. Whether I hide from it or not, I will pay for it all. So I am no longer hiding. We all hide way too much, and we live in misery. I do not wish to. But it will take a lot of pain and growth for me to be where I want to be. All I have is an "I am not going to give up as long as I am not dead" attitude with me.
I am no longer afraid of the past, the mistakes, the choices, and people. They all are in the past. Who sit today in front of this screen is a product of it all, and I accept very gratefully that everything altogether made me who I am now.
I am a storyteller. And I am on a journey of healing. So I will be telling stories from the past. They may get eyebrows raised, questions asked and maybe even getting a few stones thrown. If my stories make a difference to someone like me, gives them hope and courage to start their journey, it is a bonus.
I can handle pain, suffering, and hardship. But I no longer am willing to hide.