I am a writer. And I recently figured out why I am so passionate about writing. I write to heal. Yes, I write to heal my wounds. But, I was not brave enough to write honestly, as I was afraid of hurting others. So I wrote in secret for all my life. Once, I came to know that what I have been writing has been used to hurt me back. So I stopped. I stopped for long years.
A few months ago, I had to start writing again as my heart was broken and I could think of nothing but writing. I did not know why it felt so urgent and compelling. And I no matter what I could think; I was not able to stop writing. Months later, I figured out the reason. Healing. Wounds I hold are so old and new. They needed my words the most, and the universe was forcing me to get back into what I love to get myself pull back together.
I decided to write a book. I wanted to tell stories. Stories that I have been saying to heal myself that includes the storms of life. But the truth is, I was still avoiding the wound that was hurting me the most. The wound that opened up my heart and gave me courage and no option but to get going forward. A few weeks ago, I decided to add one more book to the list. A memoir. I am going to write bit by bit and build it up, as it is what I need to heal first. I have two journeys at the same time. And both are so interconnected, that this wound of my heart is taking everything out of me.
You see, I don't love easily. I had only loved twice in my life. 16 years apart. And I was left standing with a hole in my chest and hand over my mouth that I kept so tightly gripped so that I do not scream loud enough to drown the grief and pain I was feeling.
When he left, I fell apart. I thought I climbed back up out of the abyss of that darkness.
But you see, it is not that simple. Love is never simple. And I love him. So I am going to write about that love. Love that needs no forgiveness. Love that makes no logical sense to even me. Love, so intense that it hurts to hold it inside me.
It is a year to date since I met a man who I ended up loving without boundaries. So it is only poetic that I start writing about "love that needs no forgiveness" today.
I am yet to decide the format. Meanwhile, I am planning to build bits and pieces here, in the blog section of my site with a category of memoir.
Here I go, Let me bleed my heart onto these pages So that I can begin to heal the wound that feels darker than the darkest night.
How are you?
I am well, you?
I am well.
You know, we share the same sun sign.
we do ? what you do ?
-fast forward few hours-
so you mean you haven't had anything in 7 years?
cancel your plans!
and then? whats the plan?
--fast forward few days--
I love you!
I love you too!
Are we crazy?
I think so!
good to know!
Love is messy. It starts from nowhere and ends nowhere. There is no pattern to it. Fear is its byproduct. The risk is its companion. It's one of those things of life where you don't know what will happen and yet you can never stay away from.
And it did what it was supposed to do. I fell in love; my heart was broken; I propelled into an abyss of darkness.
I climbed back out, but never the same. Sadness and grief became so much that I could not recognize myself.
I recently heard his perception of that first few days, and it drove me back into the darkness I was trying to hide from.
I fell in love authentically, and he walked away as I was nothing more than a weekend. I love him with every bit of me, yes it is in present tense. I am one of those people who loves for the lifetime.
But as time progress, as I learn to hide the love deep down inside my soul, I will feel less consumed by grief.
I am grateful for the experience. To the knowledge that I can love again.
I am happy that I had loved him with my whole heart and my whole truth.
--To A Love That Needs No Forgiveness--