Sometimes life is a roller coaster of emotions. You would feel completely ok one moment and next, past memories of good and bad rushes in uninvited and a million questions fly around inside your mind.
A year ago I didn't know that I would meet a man who I will end up loving and trusting and then he will destroy my life ruthlessly.
But it did happen, even now, I don't hate him. Though I have tons of questions that I push to the back of my mind I want to ask him, someday.
I did ask him why. He never answered. I also asked him if it was all a lie. He never answered that either.
I want to believe for my own peace of mind that he did not use a human being for his benefit and then destroyed her life once he was done. I want to believe that the world is better than that. But is it?
Someday I want to sit across a table, face to face with him and ask one by one from the list of my questions.
If the stories he had told me was truth or a trap?
If the messages he sent were elaborate play?
If the love he showed me was a lie?
Why was he so afraid to tell me or her truth?
I was on his side, why did he choose to be cruel to me?
I heard him say things. And I can see right through them now. But I also feel pity for him.
I remembered today after some digging that I had left him two weeks before the downfall began. I was heartbroken with sadness from his lack of courage and I had left him. But after few hours, I couldn't bear the pain and he couldn't either. He came to see me and the moment I opened the door, I hugged him. So tight, wrapping my arms around his neck and sobbing into his shoulder. I hugged him as our lives were depending on it and he held me tightly close to him. It is what I miss the most. Hugs...
As I let go of my right grip he said "I know what you have for me from that hug. You are my soulmate. I will never leave you." And I trusted him. I trusted his words that we will make it work. Two weeks later, he destroyed my mind. 6 months later, she told me the things he had told her to portray me as the villain.
What was the truth? Someday I hope I get to ask him, what was the truth....
There were moments of insecurity that I had expressed. And he had assured me so confidently that I had nothing to be concerned about. Even the day that later proved that he had betrayed the trust that was placed upon him in every possible way, with proof. I no longer in a place of pain. But I have days like today when I agonize over the 6 months I had so blindly loved him, wondering if anything he ever said was true? Or was it another few hundred lies he said just like he did to everyone around him?
Last I heard were threats. I do not know what is left for him to take? Hadn't he taken it all already? I have the same question to ask him someday, have you not had any humanity left in you? Have you ever attempted to see the truth for what it is and not use me as a scapegoat?
I did hear a story, a laughable one. As to why....
But I am not laughing. Life is not a game, it has moments of all emotions in it.
But it was never a game for me. And I am done apologizing for it all. I believe in honor and integrity, keeping words and promises. But there comes a point when the one you had given all this to tells you by their actions that they no longer expect you to hold them at value. That you can let go of them. To be honest, I was hoping he would never
I do believe in karma. And let that do what it needs to do.
I will wait for the day I get to ask my questions. I have faith in the universe and its way of bringing justice to things. I will wait for the day I no longer feel confused about it all.
It is a tough journey. For next few weeks, it is a tough journey. And all I have is an extended hand for God to hold.
God, please hold my hand. I need you to be present with me to reach that day and get past it.
This is my prayer.
Ps: I am starting to write a memoir. I promise to the universe, my heart, and creativity that I plan to see it through. I will keep my promise, and I will dedicate my full heart and soul to this. I promise to be open, authentic, vulnerable and write my way into healing my wounds and the broken heart. I promise you my dear heart, that I will make it up to you. I promise